Thailand

This has got to be fast, because it's expensive. I'm alive and well. I can't stop going to the bathroom. It seems that in Thailand soap is even more of a luxury than in Korea. That problem aside, I've been having a blast.

We did the mayabay camping trip. We've gone snorkeling three times. We've seen the best beaches in the world. We've been on long boats, speed boats, and ferries. We've ate great food. We've stayed in crummy places. We've kayaked. We've swum with Nemo, aka clownfish. We've read books, sipped cocktails and fruit shakes, and played all while on the beach.

Traveling in Thailand is stress free. They hold your hand threw thw whole process. It has been a breeze. I will update later.

The Carnival

A Korean carny is as awesome as you would expect.* I once had an incident involving the Octopus in an American carnival. If you don't know what ride the Octopus is you really need to get out more. It might be the most ubiquitous carny ride.* Basically, I learned you can't trust a carny worker with random patches of hair scattered throughout his Oklahoma City sun burnt face. He's far more interested in creeping out any high school girls coming his way than looking out for the safety of a child. Besides, he has to smoke another red and look cool in his wife beater, who cares about the kid whose door wasn't properly locked. But I'm 23 now and ready for thrills, so that little incident won't deter me.

*That sentence was thrown together for the sole purpose of using a big word.

Being scared at a carny in the States is probably more based on incompetence of both man and machine. Being scared here in Korea is another animal. A whole different dog. For starters, the only rule is there are no rules. The machine operators take you to the limits, especially if you're a foreigner. Ride durations are stunningly long. One of the best things about rides is their brevity, the uncomfortableness is minimized to a minute or a minute and a half, but not here. There is this ride called the Crazy Flip. It basically flips you upside down and throws you about. It's a lot of fun for a couple of minutes, but after five minutes it loses its wonder. Un-com-for-ta-ble. After hanging upside down for far longer than any orangutan in the jungle, it will give you quite a blood rush to the head.

The next ride we went on was the Disco! The sole purpose of this ride was to make your life miserable. Here is a picture of the ride:

It's a circular, spinning, bucking nightmare. The operator looked at the ten or so of us foreigners and said, "I'm terminator." The object of the ride is not to be bucked off. It's similar to a giant bucking bull in that regard. I grabbed anything I could and held on for dear life. The floor of this ride is padded. The "Terminator" will not stop the ride until a few unfortunate souls fall down. The entire ride is crazy. The ride throws you out of your seat when it bucks. If you weren't holding on, you would fly right out of your seat. Meg almost did, but luckily for her she's dating a superhero who happened to save her.

The best thing about this fun filled night was the bumper cars. To be honest with you, I love bumper cars. Bumper cars became a huge part of my summers at the Ozarks. 30 years from now, I'll remember the long, boring afternoons spent driving throughout the Ozark countryside as the rents looked for houses. Those trips were only tolerable, because more often than not they were topped off with a trip to the Dam. And that meant bumper cars. There is nothing like taking your frustration out on those who frustrated you. I was locked in like a heat seeking missile on Dave. This was my normal thought process, "You want to bore me to tears. You want me to listen to 8 Steely Dan albums. My friends are out tubing, while I'm picking up ReMax fliers on the front lawns of houses we'll never see again. I hope you have a good chiropractor." Dave and I had some good battles. Bumper cars just ooze nostalgia for me.

So, I was absolutely not surprised when I was the first one in line for the bumper cars at this carnival, however, these were not your normal pedestrian bumper cars. These were bumper cars from like the 1970's. These were bumper cars before lawyers. These things were a whiplash in the making. You could see the the volts of electricity on the ceiling while driving. There were no rules. Hell, half of the people in the pit weren't wearing their seat belts. Head on collisions weren't banned; they were encouraged! They were the fastest b-cars I've ever seen. They made the 5 hour car drive to Busan worth it by themselves. The hits were brutal, the lines were non-existent, and the memory will be unforgettable. I had a great time at a Korean carnival.

The Second Commercial

Remember my last commercial? It was more or less an awkward train wreck. I was testifying on behalf of a product that I never used. The director exclusively spoke Korean. And I was paid in a free health examination that I've never used. It was a pretty horrible experience.

So when Meg got a call on Tuesday night from a friend about a possible upcoming commercial, she asked me if I was interested. Without hesitation I answered, "Absolutely." I'll give it a second chance. When Meg told me that we were going to be paid 200 dollars in cash, well, that sealed the deal for sure. Meg and I had to wake up at the butt crack of dawn to make it to the infamous casino. Waking up at 6 is not my cup of tea, and once again I failed to get McDonald's due to time constraints. We arrived at the casino at 8:00 o'clock in the morning after an hour spent in the subway. The casino happens to be the place where I lost 200 dollars, (I blame the White Russians) so I figure they owe me this anyway. There was no dialogue in this part as an added bonus.

Acting is very awkward. That's the only way to describe it. It's unnatural to be pretending in front of people. I remember the children who pretended in front of others growing up were the ones that got made fun of. I still have emotional scars. I also have a theory on cameras: People either love them or hate them, and I hate them. There is one video (that I know of) of me on the internets*. As you can see, I'm in a crouched position hiding from the camera. I literally hate the damn things.**



*I think one of my roommates specifically typed my whole name. I have no idea why. Perhaps one of you could enlighten me.

**The other hit on my name is this darling quote I gave, "Warnken Properties made my first renting experience a breeze." The first renting experience I had was with Warnken properties. I gave them that quote hoping to receive my entire security deposit back. Of course, they still robbed me of 75 dollars. I gave them that great quote despite the fact that I HATED that company. They would charge us 25 dollars every week too if we didn't take out our trash. Even if our can was empty, we still had to take it to the dumpster. Because we were irresponsible college students, we got charged a lot. 25 dollars split four ways isn't a lot, but it adds up. Even worse, I once got a call from the Fire Marshall telling me that I need to come down to her office for an interview. I'm 20 years old. I'm in over my head the minute I answer that call. My crazy landlord thought someone from my apartment tried to burn down the entire building. She was trying to charge me and my roommates with arson. They eventually found out who did burn the building. It wasn't us, and it was an accident. She was awful. She was a fascist. And now I'm reminded every time I google myself that I sold my soul to that devil with the mere hopes of receiving my entire deposit back.

There was a cast of 6 foreigners hired. We were paired into couples. I was paired with a different woman. Yes that's right, I was in the process of cheating on Meg, but it's okay since we 're "acting." The first shot involved food. I was eating bibimbop, or I guess I had bibimbop in front of me. My "girlfriend" and I were supposed to chit chat and look very excited. They love enthusiasm. So the more ridiculous we got, the more they loved it. The production values on this commercial were amazing. They had extensive lighting equipment, a moving crane that could move the camera in any direction, and makeup artists that would touch up the three women every 15 minutes or so. Meg had a scene where she had to eat sushi. Meg HATES sushi. Not only does she have to eat sushi, but she has to ACT like she loves it. I got such a big kick out of watching her choke down raw fish and attempt to be overly enthusiastic about it.

This scene was followed by a slot machine scene. Complete with high fives, wide smiles, and a fist pump that would make Tiger Woods proud. And finally we did a roulette scene. It was a long morning that rewarded us with a quesadilla breakfast and 200 dollars. It was well worth the awkwardness of acting. And from now on you'll never hear me make another Tom Cruise joke again.

The First Time (not for the squeamish)

I had a first experience last weekend on an Adventure Korea trip. Every Adventure Korea trip starts the same way... EARLY! For someone who routinely wakes up at 1:00 in the afternoon, waking up at 5:30 in the morning is extremely difficult. This is how the nightmare usually unfolds: First comes anger associated with being tired and hearing an incrementally louder alarm clock. Then, I usually try to talk myself into waking up. I think to myself, "That alarm clock, on the opposite side of the room, will not turn itself off, but it might wake up the neighbors. Get up!" Or I'll think, "Hey, if you get completely dressed and brush your teeth, then you can lie down with your eyes closed for a solid ten minutes." When that doesn't work, then I bring out the big guns. "Come on. You already paid the non-refundable price to go on this trip.* If you don't start moving soon, Meg's going to be pissed." Finally, my last tactic is a huge dose of motivation. "If you get ready soon and forgo the shower,** there might be enough time for McDonald's."*** Of course that works, I love me some Egg McMuffins.****




* Nothing really quite motivates me like throwing money away except for...

** Skipping a shower is easily done, especially in the wee hours of the morning

***...McDonald's gut bomb breakfasts are probably the single greatest way to motivate me in the morning. Perhaps you need an example to illustrate this better. Let's say, I need to get to the airport at 5:30 in the morning. You arrange for an expensive limo, complete with all luxuries a man could possibly ask for, to pick me up at 4:45. The driver is the limo driver in The Big Lebowski my absolute favorite movie of all time. There could be a 1 ounce gold coin waiting for me. All I'm saying is that limo better have some McDonald'd hash browns in it, or I'm going to have a real hard time making the trip. Here's the reality though; I've only actually made it to McDonald's one time. I'm in a 1/15 slump. My average is dog shit. Will it lose it's motivating prowess, of course not!

****The whole episode is very similar to the way a parent has to handle a toddler in the grips of a tantrum on going to church. The big difference is...I'm 23.



To make matters worse, Meg and I decided to go see Transformer's II* the night before...at 12:30... at night. And I don't know if you realize this or not, (we did not) Transformer's has a running time of something like 4 hours. (maybe 2.5 to 3 hours but it feels like 4) I didn't fall asleep until after 4:30, giving me approximately 1 hour of sleep. Needless to say there wasn't enough time to shower or eat McDonald's.



*Make no mistake about it, Transformer's is not a "good" movie, but I was not expecting a "good" movie. My expectations were low, and the movie beat them. I had a good movie experience. Joe Posnanski has a great post about movie going experiences. If you're interested in reading it, skip past the OPS baseball stuff and the random other tidbits. For those of you who don't know Posnanski, he is a columnist for the KC Star, and also happens to be one of the best sports journalists in the nation. To some extent, I have modeled this blog after his, including all the Pozerisks, aka *. The definition of a Pozerisk is, "An aside that has nothing whatsoever to do with anything but is thrown into the middle of the story because the author thinks it’s funny." So far this * definitely qualifies, right? Using his "Movie Expectation Formula," Transformers is a plus 1.5 movie, or in other words pretty good.



Meg and I made it to the bus, which is about a 40 minute commute from our building. Hungry and rushed, we made it with no time to spare. About an hour and a half later, we stopped at a truck stop/gas station. My growling belly directed me towards the food line, where I ordered Korean noodles. I don't know what it was about those noodles, but I think it had something to do with the fact they were microwaved for over three minutes. These piping hot noodles got all kinds of gears turning in my body, and my stomach started growling once again. A different growl this time. A growl that rushed me over to the bathroom.



Oh, Korean bathrooms how I hate you. With a case of the screaming eagles, the last place you want to find yourself is in a Korean bathroom, especially a truck stop Korean bathroom, where the likelihood of toilet paper is roughly 15%. I'm in panic mode now with clenched buttocks. I'm thinking of John Roe;* I'm thinking drastic. I'm marching down every stall seeing two things: Squatters and no toilet paper. Now I start to think, "I've got to go buy TP, but I'm not going to make it. I'm going to be standing in line waiting to purchase TP crapping myself. Then I've got to ride on this bus with the same people, but they'll know I just crapped myself. Oh shit! I've got to steal it." As I'm heading out the door, I see a glorious TP packet left there for emergencies by God himself. I take the whole pack and head to do the unthinkable. I made it 11 months and 1 week without using a squatter.


*I miss John. He's been out of Korea since March. During a night of drinking with Meg and myself, he once infamously went into a Korean bathroom to go number two, because as he says and I now know, "When you got to go, you got to go." He had no TP. He had no toilet. What he had was a squatter and a pair of socks, he came out a legend with one sock. I believe I've told the story before.





















Remember, I'm on NO time here. I'm on the threshold. It's just me and a hole in the ground mono e mono, and I realize I have no idea on how to go about this. What side do I choose? Where do I stand? How do I aim? With no time to think, I just squatted down, and in no time I was finished. Everything was fine. No splatter. No mess. If I apply Joe Posnanski's formula to this experience, I come out with a 1.5 once again. Maybe even higher since my expectations were dreadfully low.

So I've probably just tortured you for about five minutes or so, and there doesn't appear to be a silver lining to any of it. I was laughing with Meg about this post. I joked, "If North Korea does go crazy and nukes/destroys Seoul, the last words I ever write are going to be about pooping in a hole. If I'm the only foreigner to die, I might get my 15 minutes of fame and people are going to READ THIS!"

So here's something for you all to chew on. I'm reading a lot about the unintended consequences of political decisions. For instance, if the government prohibits guns or drugs, they create a violent black market. This market attracts criminal minds, because it's illegal and they're large profits to be made from illegal activity. There are many deaths in this criminal world, too, because instead of marketing wars you have gun battles and turf wars. So violence in the country goes up and innocent lives are lost as a consequence to increased violence. Now, more police are hired to fight the outlaws, resulting in higher taxes for the citizens. Police capture many of the criminals, but the incentives of illegal activity are too great, and those captured criminals are quickly replaced. Jail cells now overflow with criminals, again resulting in higher tax payer dollars. All of these reactions happen from one decision, a decision that was conceived to protect people. Now whether that decision is right or wrong is a discussion for another day, I just want to illustrate the effect of decisions.

Here is an unintended consequence of toilets: Hemorrhoids. Think about it. You're not going to read the paper cover to cover while SQUATTING. Squatting is a workout. You have like a minute to go, and then your body gives out. Squatting is also natural. We were built to releave our bodies by squatting. It was what humans did for thousands of years pre-toilet. Beleive me, I'm still going to choose a toilet everytime. I'm just so fascinated with these unintended consquences. They're thousands of them just like this one. Can you think of any?

The Amusement Park

Does this look familiar? No silly, it's not Disney World; it's Lotte World!







Lotte World is the largest indoor theme park in the world. In addition, there's also a newer outdoor section with some exciting rides.

The indoor portion of Lotte World is huge. There are crowds everywhere! The park was built in 1989 and all the rides indoor date back to the park's founding. So, there weren't a lot of thrills. Koreans have a problem with originality. The music, the movies, the clothes, and the companies are spitting images of American pop culture. For instance, the first Korean movie I saw was, "The Good, the Bad, and the Weird" which was a spitting image of the old Clint Eastwood flick only modified to Korean history. There is a clothing company called Crocodile, which suspiciously resembles Lacoste clothing. Naturally, the rides at Lotte World are clones of Disney World rides. There is a ride in Lotte World named "Sindbad's Revenge" aka "Pirates of the Caribbean" at Disney World.

Outside is where all the fun is, and I sure loved it. There is this one ride called "The Gyro Drop." I'll let this video clue you in on the rest...




As you can see, it's equipped with a sizable drop. When the ride started to accelerate to the top, I looked over at Meg and saw little tears start to stream down her cheek. I made her go on this ride. She was starting to panic. At the top of the ride, when the ride stopped spinning, Meg began to lose it. She screamed, "We're going to die!" And in less than 3 seconds, it was over. Although Meg was shaking like a leaf during November, we lived.

We also got to ride the Gyro Swing, which might be the world's biggest, fastest spinning swing. (click the link for a video) This ride was the closest thing to flying I'll ever experience. There was one worthwhile roller coaster as well. It was a great day.

On to a random note...
Since Micheal Jackson's death, I've heard random Korean storefronts blaring his tunes constantly for the last two days. The guy was an international superstar. He is the one guy whose hit songs can ALWAYS get me to dance or at least drum my foot. I'll never forget the response Billy Jean got at Jimmy's wedding. Those guys who grew up with MJ (too lazy to type it out) made me wish that I grew up in that era. To see 40 year old Jimmy trying to do the splits to Billy Jean was hilarious. The music (and alcohol) motivated him to dance his ass off. His childhood friend, Tom, was singing and moonwalking around the dance floor like he was MJ. It was an awesome sight. The guy was a legend, and I'm a huge fan. So was I sad to here that he died... not really, not at all. He died to me a couple of years after the Free Willy song came out. After he started transforming into a creep, a clown. After he started dangling babies off balconies. After he was accused of multiple child molestations. In the later part of his life, he was overshadowed by the controversies that surrounded him. This is the MJ I know, the caricature version. I'm more bummed out about Billy Mays.

(cont)

Life really starts to get crazy once we get into Laos. Laos has a wretched infrastructure. Some of the huts/bungalows we'll stay at will be without electricity during the day and at night, they run generators. The roads are so bad. It takes hours to travel 40 miles. So, as of right now, I don't really have a definite schedule for Laos. But I do have three remaining musts on this adventure.

The Gibbon Experience



If a picture is worth a thousand words, than how many words are a video worth?

I'm going to be flying through the jungle on a zip line right next to the Mekong River, staying overnight in a tree house, and maybe looking at some apes. This is actually number one on the list of the four things I most want to do.


Elephants

I haven't decided if I want to ride an elephant or work with them. Many elephants are treated poorly in order to make a profit. They are usually beat into submission and forced to give rides, pan handle, paint, throw darts, and other various things to get money from tourists. So do I want to work with the abused in a national park, or do I want to go on a trek with them in the middle of the jungle? I can ride on their backs with one option. So I'm leaning towards that. Besides, who doesn't wake up in the morning and think, "Man, I got to ride on an elephant sometime in my life. " I know I do.

Floating

Okay, the depressing music is quite bothersome, but look at the size of that rope swing. Floating is one of my favorite things ever, so this could/will be the grand daddy of all them. Hope this also gives you a sense of the beautiful Laotian landscape. The best quote of the video, "So we've just come back to our bugalow for the night, where we don't have electricity, because it's... umm Laos." I'm so excited.

The Itinerary

Okay, this is a post for those of you who like to live vicariously. This is the sample itinerary: (requires reading links)


This is all subject to change.


July 15th: Leave the beautiful Incheon International Airport and head for Bangkok.




(image - Wikipedia)





Alright, this is a long flight with a long layover in Singapore. Is a 5+ hour layover considered long? Do we have enough time to go outside and see Singapore?*







*While I've been to Hawaii, I was only there for 2 hours and never left the airport, so have I been in Hawaii? Can I "count" Hawaii as a place I've been?

July 16th: Arrive in Bangkok and head to Kho San Road for a couple of hours.

Well, this is a place as Scott once told me, "It's illegal to have that much fun in America." As you see in this video, the street is swarming with white people in flip flops, hippies from every corner of the world, and Mormons. Yes, even Mormons make it out to Sinners Road. This video looks like a scence from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and is the first video I've ever posted. Some people come to Thailand on vacation and never leave, but don't you worry, mom, I'll be coming home. Hippies on drugs scare me.

July 17th: Head to one of the various travel agencies, pray to get a legit agent and not a scammer, and buy a one-way ticket to Phuket is our game plan for today. From what I've read, Phuket is famous for lady boys and the old dodgy bastards that are with the lady boys. Oh yeah, they are also a boat ride away from some of the world's most famous/infamous* beaches.

*There are a lot of people who HATE what 20th Century Fox did to the island during the filming of The Beach. They basically planted a lot of trees, bulldozed the beach, and spent thousands of dollars picking up trash that tourists left behind. Basically they made it paradise. But they altered it. And now they have lawsuits claiming to have done irreversible damage to the ecosystem.

July 18th: This will be a day to catch our wind. Nothing special is planned. Just a little R&R on the glorious beaches of Thailand.*

*FYI: The Prostitution in Thailand got a big boom during the Vietnam War, when US forces would head down to Thailand for a little R&R, or as what they called it I&I- Intoxication and Intercourse.

July 19th: Once again we tempt fate and put our lives/pocketbooks in the hands of a travel agent. You might be wondering, why not go to straight to the bus terminal/boat company? Apparently, the Thai travel agencies have a stranglehold on the market, so middlemen are required. But our reward for doing so outweighs the risk. Ko Pi Pi is home to some of the best looking beaches in the world, and infamously (as I touched on earlier) hosted the shooting of the movie The Beach. Here is a link to see some breathtaking pictures.

July 20th: We're just going to chill in our bungalow fifteen feet from the beach.

July 21st: This day will be special for me because I have four mandatory things for this trip. On the 20th, I get to accomplish the first one. Meg and I are going to camp out on Maya Bay. Check it out. The reviews people give this experience are amazing. I can't wait.

July 22nd: Today we'll choose between snorkeling, kayaking, swimming, deep sea fishing, rock climbing, or visiting Thai National Park uninhabited islands.

July 23rd: See above.

July 24th: See above.

July 25th: This is one of many hard days of travel. Meg's college friend, Michelle happens to be coming to Thailand on the 26th. She stays until August 1st. The plan is for us to meet up with her on the east coast of Thailand. Here is a map of Thailand:

(image- http://www.lonelyplanet.com/maps/asia/thailand/)

As you can see, Phuket is in the Southwestern corner. Ko Pi Pi (Ko is the Thai word for island, so anytime you see the word Ko you'll know we're on an island) is northwest of Phuket in the Andaman Sea. Phuket got rocked in the Tsunami of 2004 as well as Ko Pi Pi. Thailand's neighbor is Myanmar. Myanmar caught the brunt end of that natural disaster.

Sorry for the digression. Michelle is meeting us at Ko Samui on or around the 27th, so now we'll be on the east coast in the Gulf of Thailand. The Gulf of Thailand is supposed to have better scuba diving, so here is where we might go for a dive. Certifications are like napkins in the third world, so they're not required on most dives.

July 26th: I think (I have no idea) we'll still be traveling today, but we will arrive at Ko Samui and relax.

July 27th: Hopefully we meet up with Michelle today. Today we head north to Ko Pha-Ngam. Another island. More paradise. This island is home of the biggest beach party in the world. 30,000 thousand 20 year old somethings head here to dance and drink all night long. The party is called the Full Moon Party. Unfortunately/fortunately we're going to miss this monster of a party, but luckily we'll get to the watered down version, the Half Moon party on the 28th. By Half Moon party, I don't think 15,000 people will be there either, maybe 5,000. Google Full Moon party to see more if you're interested.

July 28th: Maybe scuba dive. I don't know. Who knows really? I do know that most of you back home will be at work in the middle of a hot, humid Midwest summer, while I'll be sipping umbrella drinks and lying on white sand. (That was just mean spirited, who knows the two Koreas might be at war soon and I'd do anything to be back in Missouri assuming a nuke doesn't vaporize me first) At night, we'll check out the drunken fest. Should be a good time.

July 29th: Back to Ko Samui for the beach life. In fact, I imagine we'll just sleep on the beach.

July 30th: Today we're heading back to Bangkok. Once we get to Bangkok, maybe after a night of sleeping, we're getting on a bus for Laos.

To Be Continued