My Average Morning

An average morning in Korea:

I wake up for the first time everyday between 8 and 10:30. For the first time is pretty self-explanatory, but I usually don't "get up" till about 11:30. My decision to "get up" is based on two things: my bladder and Everybody Loves Raymond. In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to rise out of bed due to a certain organ screaming at me with such animosity, but this isn't a perfect world. I know it's not a perfect world, because in a perfect world I would have a bed that is more than 4 inches off the ground and not as hard as asphalt, in a perfect world my apartment would be on the other side of the building, (the side not facing the busiest road in the neighborhood, the side of the building where the sunsets as opposed to rises) and in a perfect world I probably wouldn’t be living in an apartment anyway. Everybody Loves Raymond is a cute little show, by no means must see TV, yet this show is essential to getting a great start on the day. I just have one little clock in my room, which happens to be on the thermostat. I tell what time it is based on what TV show is on the television. Remember, I only have 8 channels, 7 of which are in Korean, so I’m forced to watch whatever the good folks at the Armed Forces Network (AFN) provide. Here’s their TV schedule:



From 8-9 is Sesame Street, which is for little kids, and I’m an adult, damn it.



From 9-10 is the view. I’m not going to even get started on the view, except to say that the rest of my day is ruined, if I have to spend one second viewing (pun intended) those ridiculous grown women griping. Notice how the title of the program doesn’t even deserve capitalization.



From 10-11 is Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil is a terrible program as well. Where on earth does he find these people? It’s still far too early in the morning for me to be mucking around with the screw ups of America.

From 11-11:30 is Judge Alex, which like Dr. Phil is a terrible program. The courtroom cases on this show cross over the border of ridiculous. If Judge Alex is on, I usually start to stir. Today, on the program, Judge Alex had two lesbian sisters suing one another for money owed. The sisters were loud and ignorant. They’re so ignorant it actually makes for some good unintentional comedy. The producers of that show specifically target the biggest hosiers in America.


Judge Alex Producer- "You’re telling me Jimmy, from Texas, hasn’t paid his rent in 4 months, but claims his landlord owes him money. Roscoe, the landlord, drinks with Jimmy all the time, and decribes Jimmy as the best drinking buddy in the world. Jimmy wants to be paid for all the beer that Roscoe’s drunk and chewing tobacco he’s spat. If that’s the case, tell them they got a date with the judge next Tuesday.”
Joel (“talent” scout)-“These two will make Jerry Springer’s guests look docile.”
Producer- “That’s why I pay you the big bucks”



From 11:30 to 12 is Everybody Loves Raymond. This is the Holy Grail of my Morning Television. If I get to this show, then I know it’ll be a good day. The idea is so simple too; they just exaggerate the normal relationship and make caricatures of the main characters. Raymond is an insensitive, only cares for himself, jerk of a male (with a good heart), while Debra is a nagging, attention starved female who needs to be loved all the time (with a good heart). Their only apparent bond is a mutual dislike for Raymond’s parents. The plot of every episode is as follows, Raymond screws up and angers Debra. To fix the problem, Raymond screws up again in a loveable way. That’s the show, and in comparison to the other choices you’ll know why I love it!



From 12-12:30 is Access Hollywood, which usually puts me in a horrible mood as well. If I wake up to this show I’m almost guaranteed a bad day. This show gets me moving quite quickly now. In fact, between 12 and 12:30 represents about 90% of my daily household production. Laundry, trash taking duties, and trips to the gym are often accomplished during this horrendous program.



I know waking up at 11:30 sounds late, but let’s not forget that I don’t go to sleep until 2 in the morning. This is my morning routine. Making Mom proud day after day.