The Acting Career

I might have just had my fifteen minutes of fame, because I was just filmed on camera and got paid, indirectly.

Yes, just soak that in for a second. Me, you know the guy who is one of the worst actor's in the world, was in a commercial like documentary, and got paid in a 400 dollar comprehensive medical examination voucher, complete with a colonoscopy like procedure. I say colonosocpy like procedure because the camera and fifteen feet of hose were shoved down your mouth instead of your rectum. And I don't know the name of this procedure, although I saw it done to another patient.*

*Wow, this scene reminded me of a way too graphic Discovery Channel medical show. They really shove a thick hose down your throat.** The procedure only lasts a couple of minutes though. This is a rundown of the procedure: (I got such a vivid understanding of the procedure, because I watched it via the video recorder attached to the front of the hose.*** Apparently there is no waiting room in Korea, and we were encouraged to watch the unpleasant proceedings.)

1. Put the patient to sleep
2. Ram 15 feet of hose down the patient's throat.
   
3. Push through the tongue and mucus with the hose. And whatever else the esophagus has up its sleeve.
   
4. Pause every second to take a couple of pictures.
5. Hold down the patient that is supposedly asleep, even though the patient is struggling mightily. By struggling, I mean flaying his arms uncontrollably, and even clenching his fists.
6. Remove the hose.

**That's what.... no more jokes

***Every channel in Korea is broadcasted in HD. They are vastly ahead of the U.S. in this regard. Almost every TV I run across, here in Korea, is an HD television. Except, of course, the TV that counts...the one in my room. Watching this poor man wriggle like a fish***** with a huge hook through its head, I could not help but be amazed by the stunningly crisp definition on the monitor. If this man had a tumor, I would be able to detect it easily. The detail of this man's interior was vivid and gross. In fact, I think that camera hose tested the viewers as much as the patient, because the patient was put to sleep.

**** I already got 3 asterisks might as well make it a fourth. I love the use of commas, and I hardly ever know how to use them, but I live by this mantra, "When in a peculiar grammar situation, throw in a comma, because, hell, they're the original man's best friend."

***** Whoever said, "fish don't feel pain" a long time ago had to be an idiot. Why would fish not feel pain? Wouldn't it benefit fish to feel pain, like all oxygen breathing organisms? I have seen enough fish on a hook to know that their twitching isn't because they're excited. No, it's more likely due to the fact that they are bleeding from their gills and in immense pain. Just think if some gigantic being was trying to rip a hook out of your belly, twisting every organ in the process. Would you feel it? Vegetarians use this phrase all the time, as if it somehow justifies eating fish. If I'm not mistaken, fish are animals as well. Maybe their protein depleted brains subconsciously reinforce this misconception, and they need to believe it, I don't know. Cheaper meat for me.

****** I just did a quick google research to make sure my "fish feeling pain" rant had some merit, and it appears that some "scientists" believe that fish DON'T feel pain. Others DO. I'm still in the later group, and I have some more theories. I'll save the three loyal readers I have though.

******* Have you ever had a rant, I mean a real good rant too, and then it turned out that you were completely wrong? When you find out you're wrong, you feel like an idiot, then later that day you go on another rant that's also unwarranted. Well, it happens to me weekly.

Wow! Where was I? Oh yes, acting. Have I mentioned that I might be one of the world's worst actors? Today's process was not necessarily challenging, because I was ad-libbing like Robin Williams, it was just awkward. I was at my best during the improv "interview" where a Korean translator would ask me questions on the procedure (the one above), the staff, the atmosphere, and other "how are you feeling" questions. Obviously, these were all lies, because I didn't have the procedure, nor did I even talk to any of the doctors. So I was a regular actor, paid to spew lies and support marketing propaganda.

Just think of those late night infomercials, where people give testimonies for "wonder pills" that will make them either lose 25 lbs in three days, have 48 hour boners, or get rid of acne in less than 5 minutes. The people that give those "testimonials" are actors bought and paid for by the company's marketing their products. Some of them are convincing, believe me I know, I once thought I could increase my size.... my bicep muscle size (get your mind out of the gutter) in mere days.

I was one of those actors, possibly duping the greater Korean public into believing this company is what it may or may not be. I really don't know if the company is good or not. I don't care either, because I'm the world's worst actor! I'm going to scare people away from the product. They're not going to go near this hospital! They're going to go out of their way to avoid this hospital.

Here's the most memorable line: "I was a little intimidated at first, but the doctor was so kind and helpful, I felt right at home."-me

Laterthe guy told me to say this: "It was so good that I'm going to convince my friends from the United States to come to Korea for the operation"

Because I'm a professional actor, with a license for artistic creativity, I wasn't buying this line. I told the guy, "Wow, a little ambitious don't you think?"

He seemed to love the word "ambitious" and said it about five times while waving his hands to continue. At this point, I thought about pulling a premadonna move by walking off set, because I'll only say the lines my character would say. Since I was playing myself, I knew my character would never mutter the words; "It was so good that I'm going to convince my friends from the United States to come to Korea for the operation."

In the end, I gave up my artistic freedom. The Fascist producer got his way censoring a would be star into unbelievable dialogue, in effect, ending my ticket to Hollywood.

Things left to ponder

1. Can I consider myself a professional actor? I was paid, but it was more like an exchange of services. Regardless, this is going right to the top of my resume.
2. Do fish feel pain?
3. Should I have that procedure done to me when I get my thorough examination? I mean, they put you to sleep. I've been put to sleep before, and WOW what a feeling that is. The dentist told me, "You're going to be asleep in 10 seconds." I thought, "You obviously don't know me. You better at least give me 15 secs..." I couldn't even finish the thought. But before I went "under" the room started spinning around and around at the speed of light. That's a powerful drug, and I'm not jonesing to be put under again, by any means. It would be cool to have a clean bill of health though. What do you think?