Korean Students vs. American Students

To follow up on the differences of childhoods between South Korea and the United States, here is a video my company now makes all of its foreign teachers watch.




The differences are huge! I have no idea how anybody can survive without American Idol! It's just amazing.

Two Things that made me laugh out loud today

1. Seeing the kids struggle mightily with this wordsearch
   
2. The students pronouncing Alabama, like Alobama, as in the President of the States
   

A Little Bit of Everything

1) A dialogue on the happenings of home:

Zach: Matt was asking me questions on how to handle a situation. It seems a girl has entered his life. If you know Matt, and you do, then you know how rare of an occurrence this is.

Me: Matty has a girlfriend?

Zach: A looker too. But he hasn't got her yet. The ball was falling where it needed to, even overcoming a few hiccups along the way. But then Matt got punched in the face.

Me: Matt got in a fight? I don't even recognize this guy anymore!

Zach: It wasn't really a fight. A Washburn football player, a real big Samoan, a mean SOB drilled Matt in the face. Matt said he didn't even see the punch coming, didn't even know a fight was brewing and doesn't know what caused it. The punch, damaging enough, wasn't the punishing blow. Knocked backwards by the hay maker, Matt flipped over the rail of a deck and twisted his ankle. Scratch that, sprained his ankle.

Me: Booze was involved I'm sure of it. Did Matt instigate this affair?

Zach: There's conflicting stories. Some people say Matt was breaking up a fight, which by the way, Matt's a bouncer at the Hawk. Did I tell you that?

Me: (nodding my head yes, with an expression on my face that says, "You've told me a minimum of five times in the last ten days, that Matt is a bouncer at the Hawk.")

Zach: Anyway, some say Matt was starting a fight. That's neither here nor there. Matt has a love interest, but he has a swollen face and a busted ankle. I mean, he was worked over. And this hottie, a Vietnamese chick, invited him to a formal dance. Matt was in no position to bust any moves or tear up any carpet suffering from both White Man's Syndrome and a bum ankle. So he said he sprained his ankle playing basketball.

Me: He should of said he got in a fight. As the saying goes, chicks dig rebels.

Zach: I told him girls like that. He told me, "Zach, not when you get your ass kicked. They like ass kickers!" Touche Matt, touche.

2) Parent-Teacher Conferences

I have parent-teacher conferences this week. There's only one parent that I've encountered so far that is fluent in English. That was the only parent-teacher conference that I had a significant part in. Parent-teacher conferences are so boring. I am just a mannequin. The conversations are entirely done in Korean, and I speak for a little under a minute, what I say is then translated into Korean. Each conference is about ten minutes long, I'd rather watch paint dry.

My co-teacher, Eva, does 97% of the talking. I just try and sit there with good posture. After about the seventh conference, roughly an hour of talking to parents, I started thinking of that story above. At first, I cracked a smile at Matt saying, "Not when you get your ass kicked Zach; They don't like that! They like ass kickers!" Then I started to chuckle silently. I'm sorry, Matt getting beat up by a large Samoan is funny. The more I began to think about the whole silly scenario the harder it was to contain by growing smile. Then I started to laugh...out loud. I couldn't help myself.

I'm sure the mother asked Eva, "Why is this crazy foreigner laughing?" Eva asked me what was funny, and I told her a non-funny story about the parent's child. The mother, thinking anything about her child was good, began to laugh out loud too. Maybe Eva translated the story so it was funny. But for whatever reason, the mom began to laugh. Eva then joined the party. So all three of us were laughing in this teacher's conference. This all started because of a twisted ankle and a big Samoan.

3) B-Ball

Last night, I went to play basketball at an indoor court. Indoor courts are as rare as a cold day in hell, here in Korea. Indoor courts that foreigners have access to are worth there weight
in gold. Jason, a good wholesome Canuck and a co-worker of mine, got a precious invite. Because these gyms are so rare, the organizer of the gym sends out very few invites. If this gym was open to every foreigner, it would be flooded with them. Luckily, he gave Jason the opportunity to invite one more person. Jason, who is somehow fooled into believing that I am a good guy, invited me to the glorious indoor court.

Having just spent the whole day bored off my you know what, I was looking forward to playing some basketball. This also happened to be the same day I got a good laugh at Matt's expense. Within fifteen minutes of playing, I promptly landed on another guy's foot and sprained my ankle. Karma.

4) Zach

Zach lives in my neighborhood. He's just a five minute walk from my house. This is great for obvious reasons. Last year he was about an hour away, so we only got together about once a week. I expect to see a lot of the big guy this year.

5) Pink

It's said, brave men wear pink. South Korean men must be the bravest in the world. Hey look, I love a good Salmon colored shirt, but these guys will wear any shade of pink, even Hot Pink. There's even a store called Pink, which sells both female and male clothing.

April's Levels

A Breakdown of April's Levels

Seedbed Starter- This class is taught entirely by Korean teachers. They are the tiniest kids in the school with ages varying between four and six. Entry level English is all you'll hear in these classrooms. How are you? My name is __________. I am ________.

Seedbed 1 and 2- This is the next level, so once the kids graduate/get too old for Seedbed Starter they go to Seedbed 1 and 2, with 2 being the higher level of the two. My partner teacher and I teach the majority of these low level courses. I like them. They can be difficult, because the children aren't great English speakers; however, they get the gist of what you say. The program is very easy to run and is very multimedia friendly. The entire lessons have computer based programs which are very interactive. The kids can come to the white board at the front of the classroom and write the answers on the board. My school claims that these kids levels are on par with American children enrolled in kindergarten. In my eyes, that's a bold, debatable claim, but I haven't been around many kindergartners to test it. I teach four seedbed classes.


Seed 1 and 2- At this level, you can start having conversations with kids. They have a pretty good vocabulary, but struggle to put their thoughts in complete sentences. Ages 8-10. About your average 1st grade level back, according to April. I teach two seed classes.


Sprout 1 and 2- Similar to Seed 2, only these students are better. Ages 8-12. Comparable to a second to third grade American student in English. Now I'm going to hit the "bull shit button" because there is no way these kids are at that level. It's possible some of them, that the best Sprout students have the vocabularies of a second or third grader. Maybe even better, but they don't have the conversational ability of a third grader. I teach 0 Sprout classes.

Sapling 1 and 2- The next step up is Sapling. These children are gifted. They had a speech competition that would blow your mind. The topic was global warming, which I think is a sham, which is neither here nor there, but the kids were WOW! Addressing all the issues of what climate change could do in the foreseeable future. It was impressive. Ages 8-13. I teach 0 classes at the Sapling level.

Junior Master 1- These 3 children are the cream of the crop. There are only three of them, and I have the pleasure of teaching them. Basically, it's like my manager said, "We stuck you with all the rug rats, so, here you go... Here's Junior Master. They can speak and read. Have fun." Emma is 8, Tommy is 10 and Jayne is 10. Their topic today is family, which sounds like a nice easy topic, right? Wrong! We have to discuss South Korea's birthrate "problem" and think of the implications of that problem, try to come up with solutions for that problem and look at other countries to see how they combated their birthrate problem. I love the class, because I constantly learn stuff!

Student Profile: Daniel

Named after my beloved Grandpa, Daniel is just seven years old. He is a beginner. Our school has 12 different classes based on a student's English proficiency, Daniel is in the second lowest class, Seedbed 1. He is anything but fluent and still makes mistakes. But he can read! The purpose of Seedbed 1 class is to really hone student's pronunciation and learn phonics. Reading is required, but some students struggle. Daniel is the second student profiled, because he has really shown a lot of growth in the two and a half months I've been here. Daniel once struggled reading but not anymore!

There are many amusing things about teaching small children. For example, they love to stand up. Why? I have no idea, but in any given class, at any given time, I might have 15-20% of the children in the room standing up. They might be excited. They might want to answer the next question. They might not know the customs of adults, so they do what they want. Some of their feet don't touch the ground while they sit, so maybe that's why they stand. I honestly don't know. Daniel is a stander, and not only does he love to stand up, but he loves to walk around the room. What separates a stander from a walker is obvious, right? A stander just stands at his/her desk or in extreme cases on their chair, but a walker wanders around the room.

Daniel is nosy. He likes to see how people are doing on whatever task is at hand. He likes to compare his answers to theirs. He likes to be at the center of the stage, a prominent fixture of the classroom. So if I might be heading to the board to erase something, Daniel might be there to do it for me. There's an abundance of reasons why Daniel walks around. It's safe to say that of all my students, Daniel leads them all in the amount of times I have to say "Sit Down."

I also think, as evidenced by his rapid growth in English and extroverted personality, that he will be an excellent English speaker in a few years.

Going up to Country

Need a break from the drudgery of a 1-8, Monday-Friday job? Tired of pesky 5-12 year old children? Then it seems like Muju is the place for you!

Taming Muju is not a task for the light hearted. Just to make it there, you have to get up before the butt crack of dawn. The bus that goes up to country * leaves at 4:20 in the AM! That means to make it to bus pickup on Saturday morning, I am waking up before I usually cash my Friday night in. In fact, my buddy Travis was at a bar located right down the street from where our bus pickup was located.

*I think I got carried away with that link, but it is one of my all time favorite songs; it just always gets me in a better mood.



(Travis is on the right, Justin on the left)



I once, at length, wrote about how hard it is for me to get up in the morning. That McDonald's breakfasts are the only thing that gets me through. Waking up before McDonald's even serves breakfast is just wrong!















As you can see, skiing (as with pretty much everything in South Korea) is super-duper packed, but Muju was so beautiful it was well worth a few long lines and a couple crashes on the slopes.














Meg paid five dollars for her skiing coat in China! Oh the beauty of knock offs! (and sweat shops)
















The picture to the left is pretty breathtaking. The whole mountain was frosted over giving it a real Winter Wonderland look. Hats off to Meg for taking some really fine pictures!














Has anybody seen the show Meet the Natives? It is a show on the National Geographic channel here in South Korea. I've fallen in love with it, even though I've only seen one episode. The insight the "Natives" showed within only five days of being in America was incredible. Anyway, during one point in the episode, (they were in Montana on a ranch learning about cowboys) they described mountains as being so tall, that they could touch clouds. The ski lift actually vanishes into the clouds at the top of the mountain.

Student Profile

Jayne: 10 years old.










Jayne is a twin, and it's easy to see that Jayne is the dominant twin. She's in a more advanced class than her sister. Because Jayne got to the Junior Master class, which is the top level of our academy, her mom rewarded her with a brand new cell phone. Her Twin, Stacey, got nothing. Jayne is a conversational student, but is very shy, what Jayne excels at is writing. She writes logical, concise debates. She plays the piano and the violin. She wants to be a doctor when she grows up. She is one of my top students.

Childhood

The differences between Korean and western culture are vast. Despite my 14 months of residence in this beautiful country, I am by no means an expert on Korean culture. So I'll stick to just to a difference in childhood between Korea and the United States.

The kids right now have a month off of public school. They also get around 5 weeks off in the summer, so Korean children do indeed partake in the year round school schedule. And, as I found out on Friday, just because the students are off of school doesn't mean they're not going to school. I'll give you some examples.

The youngest student I teach is 5 years old. She's a young five years old, too. She is so little. Her feet don't even come close to touching the ground when she sits in her chair. They dangle happily, as if they're better off not touching the ground. She wears pigtails everyday. She has the biggest dough eyes. She looks like a doll, just like a porcelain doll. She can read and write and answer who, what, where, why, and how questions. Her name is Candy, and she is cute. She's been learning English for over a year now. But she is only 5, and cries here and there. Her mom brings her to the academy everyday. I think she misses her mom, and that's why she cries.

Once the bell rings, signaling the end of class, she'll start to put all her things away, but the problem is, she's only five. She's very slow at it. Zipping up her backup takes a colossal effort from her. She gets a panicked look on her face as she sees all the other kids running out of the classroom like it's on fire, and I know that she truly needs my help. You can tell that she just wants to run out with the other kids (those kids are 6-8 years old) and play. So I'll help her, and she'll run off to go to the next place.

The next place could be her loving mother's arms, or it could be a piano academy. It could be a Korean language academy. The point is, even though she's five, I'm sure there is another lesson to be taught on some subject. And Candy, at the expense of her mother's checkbook, will be attending that lesson with her big, helpless eyes fixated on another teacher even though she is five years old. At least, that's what I think, but she could be in her mother's arms for all I know.

Here's a schedule that I do know. Human, who chose his own name, has a sense of humor. He's 12, and he's the tallest kid in the academy. His English level is conversational, although he never leaves his trusty stand by answers of "maybe" and "I don't know" far away. He's independent, and always sits at the back of the room. He elects for public transportation rather than the shuttle buses my academy offers every student. He navigates his way through a city of 3.8 million people seamlessly. He doesn't have a cell phone, which is a big deal in Korea. I mean, hell, even little Candy has a cell phone. He loves computer games and hates school. During his winter break, he's attending six academies!

Academies are extra-curricular, private institutions that teach the children something. And believe me, there are academies for everything. Human's academies are: English, math, clarinet, Korean, computer,* and an academy on how to speed read.** Even when he does not have school, HE HAS SCHOOL. There is no time to play. He goes all over the city to attend these academies. He takes the subway or buses to get to them. The guy is lucky to get 7 hours of sleep with his schedule.

I have another student who is at a swimming academy from 10-4 Monday-Friday. He's in a swimming pool practicing his breast stroke to become the next best swimmer. His brother has the same schedule only substitute swimming for golf.

Childhood is truly vocational training here. All work and no play. The innocence of growing up is lost when you're 12 and already grown up. I know that some people from the western world wish they would of utilized their time more efficiently growing up, you know, actually learned that second language, followed up on those piano lessons, or studied harder. I do anyway. Well, South Koreans are very efficient with their time growing up, and I am here to tell you it's a shame. There's more to childhood than preparing for adulthood.

* That's all he told me is computer. I don't even know what that means it's so vague, but he gave me the "I don't know response" when I asked him questions on it.

** At the University of Missouri, in large lecture halls, I would always see these fliers scattered about the floor advertising clinics to help improve your reading pace. This was at college, and here Human is doing it at 12 years old. It's crazy over here.

Journal Entry Day 2

Continuing this mock journal series. A fictional account of adventures in Southeast Asia.

It was almost one o'clock in the afternoon when humid air hit my lungs and sunshine touched my pale skin. I explained to cab driver after cab driver, that I had a ride, that I knew where I was going, that I did not need to be bothered. Thailand has beautiful beaches and ethically challenged public transport drivers. To curtail this, the Thai government setup an English booth where they would translate your destination to the driver. They tell you a price to expect to pay in an effort to avoid the infamous Thai runaround. There's a phone number to tattle tale on the driver, if anything is suspicious. Of course, as with anything governmental, there wan an inefficient, long line.

It must of been the sunshine, because the sleepless flight was not rearing its head mentally. Physically, I had bags under my eyes, that you could ski down. And Pobby, the driver was quick to let me know, "You look sick." "Do you have swine flu." Anyway, that's what I think he said. The rest of the exchange went something like this:

Me: Bobby, do you think I have swine flu? (note: Many Asians, especially in Korea, have English nicknames to make it easier on foreigners. They seem to like these names as well, that's why I thought his name was Bobby.)
Pobby: Pobby, Pobby.
Me: Javy? (English can be very hard to understand...)

Pobby was now showing obvious displeasure in our inability to get past the most rudimentary of conversations. Giving up on having a conversation on my health, Pobby worked through the adversity and said, "Like Bobby, but P." Check mate. "Pobby!!!" I yelled, bringing a smile to his sweaty face. Thailand is known as the land of smiles. I know this due to Pobby's reckless tailgating. Being mere feet from a cab in front of us, I could easily make out the bumper sticker on the car in front of us. When Pobby ran the red light, well, that's when I started to cheer. Cheaper taxi rates are truly one of life's little pleasures.

Getting took advantage of; however, is one of the worst things. Pobby, not worried about any foreigner reporting him, pulled into a filling station off the highway. Pobby handed the gas station clerk, a man that checked in at about 5 feet, all the money in his hand, which totaled less than three dollars. And, in that moment, I became confused. This should not happen, I thought. On the other hand, it was only for a minute, and the meter might of gone up fifty cents. Poor Pobby is probably down to his last smoke judging by the bent and weightless pack of Marlbaro Reds. I can't say anything. He only put three dollars in the cab.

"Pobby, no more red light running, okay?" Yes, Yes, we almost out of gas back there," he said, flashing a million dollar grin, that let me know that this vacation was not about sweating the small stuff.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving really crept up on me this year. I didn't even know it was turkey day until about two o'clock in the afternoon! Last year, if you can recall, Meg and I went to Outback Steakhouse with another friend to get a little taste from home. It wasn't a turkey dinner, but how can you ever go wrong with steak? Since Thanksgiving is all about tradition, Meg and I set out to repeat that feat. Outback steakhouse happens to be two subway stops away from where I live. Once again we were treated to some fantastic fillets, cheerful service, and a taste of home. We followed that up with a walk on the beach. I love this place. Here is a Korean commercial for Outback:

My Training Week

If you're not interested in a couple of paragraphs dedicated to how much my life sucked last week, then spare yourself ten minutes and skip this entry. Consider yourself warned.

When your leaving your country/home for a year, your health is not a big priority. In fact, it doesn't make the list. Up at the top of that list, is hanging out with friends and family, and that's exactly what I did. I ended up in Manhattan on a Saturday night with the intention of tying one on, and believe it or not, when you set out to tie one on, you do it rather easily. With my immune system hammered drunk the next day, I was vulnerable to all the elements.

Everybody should be aware by now of the hardships of flying in a single aircraft for over 10 hours. I certainly am. I wasn't aware; however, of flying for over 10 hours sick with the flu. Let's just save some space and say it was crappy.

The next five days was spent either in a training room or in my hotel room studying. It was seriously as intense as finals week back at Mizzou. I took four written tests, listened to seminar after seminar on teaching techniques, and I taught using the techniques that were given to us. Basically, it felt like a real job. It felt like I'm getting old and have some responsibility in my life. I just wish I felt good while attending this hell week. Instead, I was trying hard not to cough up a lung. I was trying not to sneeze nuclear yellow snot all over myself. These were not the ideal circumstances.

They don't really tell you this when you're in America; they just gloss right over it. They tell you that 87% of the people that come to training end up with jobs, but they didn't tell you that training was in essence an extended job interview. An interview that could theoretically cost me up to 1300 dollars (the cost of a round trip ticket), if it didn't go well. Fortunately for me it went well, and I was offered the job. If you're interested in the grammar part of my test, check out a few of the items that were covered on my test. (this was a portion of our study guide)

Subject and Verb Agreement

Conditional Verb Forms

Dependant Clauses

Parallel Structures

Story Time

I was in Southeast Asia for five weeks. The time frame is too long for me to write about in my normal way. I need to write about just the specific events, which sounds easy enough. The only problem is I cannot write that way. I don't know why. I'm going to write a fictional journal based on some of my stories/experiences.

Day 1

Flying is not much fun, period. Flying to the other side of the world, across the Pacific, across 12 time zones is going to be dreadful. I'm standing in an international "que" in the Big D. From the city of fountains to Dallas, Texas, took two hours, now I have a three hour layover here in George Bush's state. Big must be the motto of Texas, because they have big stadiums, big trucks, and BIG people. "Everything is bigger in Texas." Observing obscenely obese people standing stationary on moving walkways with high fructose corn syrup pumping through their veins, one hand holding a soda the other candy as if they're at the movies. This cringing sight will make you want to get the hell out of Texas. Yet, as far as my journey goes, the bigness of Dallas is perfect, after all this is the biggest trip of my life.

Traveling in a plane from Dallas to Bangkok, Thailand will be awful, and there's just no way around it. 18 and a half hours spent on a plane with crying babies, sniffling ill, and complainers does not make for an enjoyable day. My only chance for salvation happens to be the Nyquil pills in my pocket. I hope the six pills I popped do the trick. I already missed out on the airline carrier since I'm flying American. American Airlines home of the most 50 year old washed up, working women in the world. These women literally hate stewarding, but are still there thanks to unions and other "rights" supplied to them by "progressive" thinkers. 45 year old men can thank those progressive thinkers as well. These aren't my ideal flight attendants. That certainly includes Thor, a gay man about the age of 50 who was just a little too friendly if you catch my drift.

These were not the faces of American Airlines in the 50's or 60's, and these are not the faces of the airline carriers occupying Asia. I'd do anything to fly Korean Air and not just for the free booze they provide. The stewardesses are beautiful, gracious, caring, and not a day older than 35. Although, Asians age well, so they could be much older. Oh well, American Airlines be damned, I'll be on the beautiful beaches of Thailand soon enough.

Entry Part Two Day 1

Despite six usually knock me on my ass pills, no crying babies, a dark, quiet cabin, and a small passenger sound asleep next to me I still can't sleep. Oh, it's so frustrating. The excitement of my future undertakings are at epic proportions. I want to do it all: eat delicious, fresh food right from a street vendor, play sand volleyball on some of God's best beaches, chat/drink with people from all over the world, seek out hidden, off the map tourist treasures, head to the cheesiest tourist attractions, and ride an elephant. I've wanted to ride an elephant my whole life. This will be the holy grail of my vacation. With five weeks at my disposal dispersed amongst only two countries, I should have ample time to accomplish that feet.

For the past three months, I've lived at home, with my parents, with no car, no phone, no bed, and no life. I'm ready for adventure. I'm ready for freedom. I'm ready for Asia.

Thailand

This has got to be fast, because it's expensive. I'm alive and well. I can't stop going to the bathroom. It seems that in Thailand soap is even more of a luxury than in Korea. That problem aside, I've been having a blast.

We did the mayabay camping trip. We've gone snorkeling three times. We've seen the best beaches in the world. We've been on long boats, speed boats, and ferries. We've ate great food. We've stayed in crummy places. We've kayaked. We've swum with Nemo, aka clownfish. We've read books, sipped cocktails and fruit shakes, and played all while on the beach.

Traveling in Thailand is stress free. They hold your hand threw thw whole process. It has been a breeze. I will update later.

The Carnival

A Korean carny is as awesome as you would expect.* I once had an incident involving the Octopus in an American carnival. If you don't know what ride the Octopus is you really need to get out more. It might be the most ubiquitous carny ride.* Basically, I learned you can't trust a carny worker with random patches of hair scattered throughout his Oklahoma City sun burnt face. He's far more interested in creeping out any high school girls coming his way than looking out for the safety of a child. Besides, he has to smoke another red and look cool in his wife beater, who cares about the kid whose door wasn't properly locked. But I'm 23 now and ready for thrills, so that little incident won't deter me.

*That sentence was thrown together for the sole purpose of using a big word.

Being scared at a carny in the States is probably more based on incompetence of both man and machine. Being scared here in Korea is another animal. A whole different dog. For starters, the only rule is there are no rules. The machine operators take you to the limits, especially if you're a foreigner. Ride durations are stunningly long. One of the best things about rides is their brevity, the uncomfortableness is minimized to a minute or a minute and a half, but not here. There is this ride called the Crazy Flip. It basically flips you upside down and throws you about. It's a lot of fun for a couple of minutes, but after five minutes it loses its wonder. Un-com-for-ta-ble. After hanging upside down for far longer than any orangutan in the jungle, it will give you quite a blood rush to the head.

The next ride we went on was the Disco! The sole purpose of this ride was to make your life miserable. Here is a picture of the ride:

It's a circular, spinning, bucking nightmare. The operator looked at the ten or so of us foreigners and said, "I'm terminator." The object of the ride is not to be bucked off. It's similar to a giant bucking bull in that regard. I grabbed anything I could and held on for dear life. The floor of this ride is padded. The "Terminator" will not stop the ride until a few unfortunate souls fall down. The entire ride is crazy. The ride throws you out of your seat when it bucks. If you weren't holding on, you would fly right out of your seat. Meg almost did, but luckily for her she's dating a superhero who happened to save her.

The best thing about this fun filled night was the bumper cars. To be honest with you, I love bumper cars. Bumper cars became a huge part of my summers at the Ozarks. 30 years from now, I'll remember the long, boring afternoons spent driving throughout the Ozark countryside as the rents looked for houses. Those trips were only tolerable, because more often than not they were topped off with a trip to the Dam. And that meant bumper cars. There is nothing like taking your frustration out on those who frustrated you. I was locked in like a heat seeking missile on Dave. This was my normal thought process, "You want to bore me to tears. You want me to listen to 8 Steely Dan albums. My friends are out tubing, while I'm picking up ReMax fliers on the front lawns of houses we'll never see again. I hope you have a good chiropractor." Dave and I had some good battles. Bumper cars just ooze nostalgia for me.

So, I was absolutely not surprised when I was the first one in line for the bumper cars at this carnival, however, these were not your normal pedestrian bumper cars. These were bumper cars from like the 1970's. These were bumper cars before lawyers. These things were a whiplash in the making. You could see the the volts of electricity on the ceiling while driving. There were no rules. Hell, half of the people in the pit weren't wearing their seat belts. Head on collisions weren't banned; they were encouraged! They were the fastest b-cars I've ever seen. They made the 5 hour car drive to Busan worth it by themselves. The hits were brutal, the lines were non-existent, and the memory will be unforgettable. I had a great time at a Korean carnival.

The Second Commercial

Remember my last commercial? It was more or less an awkward train wreck. I was testifying on behalf of a product that I never used. The director exclusively spoke Korean. And I was paid in a free health examination that I've never used. It was a pretty horrible experience.

So when Meg got a call on Tuesday night from a friend about a possible upcoming commercial, she asked me if I was interested. Without hesitation I answered, "Absolutely." I'll give it a second chance. When Meg told me that we were going to be paid 200 dollars in cash, well, that sealed the deal for sure. Meg and I had to wake up at the butt crack of dawn to make it to the infamous casino. Waking up at 6 is not my cup of tea, and once again I failed to get McDonald's due to time constraints. We arrived at the casino at 8:00 o'clock in the morning after an hour spent in the subway. The casino happens to be the place where I lost 200 dollars, (I blame the White Russians) so I figure they owe me this anyway. There was no dialogue in this part as an added bonus.

Acting is very awkward. That's the only way to describe it. It's unnatural to be pretending in front of people. I remember the children who pretended in front of others growing up were the ones that got made fun of. I still have emotional scars. I also have a theory on cameras: People either love them or hate them, and I hate them. There is one video (that I know of) of me on the internets*. As you can see, I'm in a crouched position hiding from the camera. I literally hate the damn things.**



*I think one of my roommates specifically typed my whole name. I have no idea why. Perhaps one of you could enlighten me.

**The other hit on my name is this darling quote I gave, "Warnken Properties made my first renting experience a breeze." The first renting experience I had was with Warnken properties. I gave them that quote hoping to receive my entire security deposit back. Of course, they still robbed me of 75 dollars. I gave them that great quote despite the fact that I HATED that company. They would charge us 25 dollars every week too if we didn't take out our trash. Even if our can was empty, we still had to take it to the dumpster. Because we were irresponsible college students, we got charged a lot. 25 dollars split four ways isn't a lot, but it adds up. Even worse, I once got a call from the Fire Marshall telling me that I need to come down to her office for an interview. I'm 20 years old. I'm in over my head the minute I answer that call. My crazy landlord thought someone from my apartment tried to burn down the entire building. She was trying to charge me and my roommates with arson. They eventually found out who did burn the building. It wasn't us, and it was an accident. She was awful. She was a fascist. And now I'm reminded every time I google myself that I sold my soul to that devil with the mere hopes of receiving my entire deposit back.

There was a cast of 6 foreigners hired. We were paired into couples. I was paired with a different woman. Yes that's right, I was in the process of cheating on Meg, but it's okay since we 're "acting." The first shot involved food. I was eating bibimbop, or I guess I had bibimbop in front of me. My "girlfriend" and I were supposed to chit chat and look very excited. They love enthusiasm. So the more ridiculous we got, the more they loved it. The production values on this commercial were amazing. They had extensive lighting equipment, a moving crane that could move the camera in any direction, and makeup artists that would touch up the three women every 15 minutes or so. Meg had a scene where she had to eat sushi. Meg HATES sushi. Not only does she have to eat sushi, but she has to ACT like she loves it. I got such a big kick out of watching her choke down raw fish and attempt to be overly enthusiastic about it.

This scene was followed by a slot machine scene. Complete with high fives, wide smiles, and a fist pump that would make Tiger Woods proud. And finally we did a roulette scene. It was a long morning that rewarded us with a quesadilla breakfast and 200 dollars. It was well worth the awkwardness of acting. And from now on you'll never hear me make another Tom Cruise joke again.

The First Time (not for the squeamish)

I had a first experience last weekend on an Adventure Korea trip. Every Adventure Korea trip starts the same way... EARLY! For someone who routinely wakes up at 1:00 in the afternoon, waking up at 5:30 in the morning is extremely difficult. This is how the nightmare usually unfolds: First comes anger associated with being tired and hearing an incrementally louder alarm clock. Then, I usually try to talk myself into waking up. I think to myself, "That alarm clock, on the opposite side of the room, will not turn itself off, but it might wake up the neighbors. Get up!" Or I'll think, "Hey, if you get completely dressed and brush your teeth, then you can lie down with your eyes closed for a solid ten minutes." When that doesn't work, then I bring out the big guns. "Come on. You already paid the non-refundable price to go on this trip.* If you don't start moving soon, Meg's going to be pissed." Finally, my last tactic is a huge dose of motivation. "If you get ready soon and forgo the shower,** there might be enough time for McDonald's."*** Of course that works, I love me some Egg McMuffins.****




* Nothing really quite motivates me like throwing money away except for...

** Skipping a shower is easily done, especially in the wee hours of the morning

***...McDonald's gut bomb breakfasts are probably the single greatest way to motivate me in the morning. Perhaps you need an example to illustrate this better. Let's say, I need to get to the airport at 5:30 in the morning. You arrange for an expensive limo, complete with all luxuries a man could possibly ask for, to pick me up at 4:45. The driver is the limo driver in The Big Lebowski my absolute favorite movie of all time. There could be a 1 ounce gold coin waiting for me. All I'm saying is that limo better have some McDonald'd hash browns in it, or I'm going to have a real hard time making the trip. Here's the reality though; I've only actually made it to McDonald's one time. I'm in a 1/15 slump. My average is dog shit. Will it lose it's motivating prowess, of course not!

****The whole episode is very similar to the way a parent has to handle a toddler in the grips of a tantrum on going to church. The big difference is...I'm 23.



To make matters worse, Meg and I decided to go see Transformer's II* the night before...at 12:30... at night. And I don't know if you realize this or not, (we did not) Transformer's has a running time of something like 4 hours. (maybe 2.5 to 3 hours but it feels like 4) I didn't fall asleep until after 4:30, giving me approximately 1 hour of sleep. Needless to say there wasn't enough time to shower or eat McDonald's.



*Make no mistake about it, Transformer's is not a "good" movie, but I was not expecting a "good" movie. My expectations were low, and the movie beat them. I had a good movie experience. Joe Posnanski has a great post about movie going experiences. If you're interested in reading it, skip past the OPS baseball stuff and the random other tidbits. For those of you who don't know Posnanski, he is a columnist for the KC Star, and also happens to be one of the best sports journalists in the nation. To some extent, I have modeled this blog after his, including all the Pozerisks, aka *. The definition of a Pozerisk is, "An aside that has nothing whatsoever to do with anything but is thrown into the middle of the story because the author thinks it’s funny." So far this * definitely qualifies, right? Using his "Movie Expectation Formula," Transformers is a plus 1.5 movie, or in other words pretty good.



Meg and I made it to the bus, which is about a 40 minute commute from our building. Hungry and rushed, we made it with no time to spare. About an hour and a half later, we stopped at a truck stop/gas station. My growling belly directed me towards the food line, where I ordered Korean noodles. I don't know what it was about those noodles, but I think it had something to do with the fact they were microwaved for over three minutes. These piping hot noodles got all kinds of gears turning in my body, and my stomach started growling once again. A different growl this time. A growl that rushed me over to the bathroom.



Oh, Korean bathrooms how I hate you. With a case of the screaming eagles, the last place you want to find yourself is in a Korean bathroom, especially a truck stop Korean bathroom, where the likelihood of toilet paper is roughly 15%. I'm in panic mode now with clenched buttocks. I'm thinking of John Roe;* I'm thinking drastic. I'm marching down every stall seeing two things: Squatters and no toilet paper. Now I start to think, "I've got to go buy TP, but I'm not going to make it. I'm going to be standing in line waiting to purchase TP crapping myself. Then I've got to ride on this bus with the same people, but they'll know I just crapped myself. Oh shit! I've got to steal it." As I'm heading out the door, I see a glorious TP packet left there for emergencies by God himself. I take the whole pack and head to do the unthinkable. I made it 11 months and 1 week without using a squatter.


*I miss John. He's been out of Korea since March. During a night of drinking with Meg and myself, he once infamously went into a Korean bathroom to go number two, because as he says and I now know, "When you got to go, you got to go." He had no TP. He had no toilet. What he had was a squatter and a pair of socks, he came out a legend with one sock. I believe I've told the story before.





















Remember, I'm on NO time here. I'm on the threshold. It's just me and a hole in the ground mono e mono, and I realize I have no idea on how to go about this. What side do I choose? Where do I stand? How do I aim? With no time to think, I just squatted down, and in no time I was finished. Everything was fine. No splatter. No mess. If I apply Joe Posnanski's formula to this experience, I come out with a 1.5 once again. Maybe even higher since my expectations were dreadfully low.

So I've probably just tortured you for about five minutes or so, and there doesn't appear to be a silver lining to any of it. I was laughing with Meg about this post. I joked, "If North Korea does go crazy and nukes/destroys Seoul, the last words I ever write are going to be about pooping in a hole. If I'm the only foreigner to die, I might get my 15 minutes of fame and people are going to READ THIS!"

So here's something for you all to chew on. I'm reading a lot about the unintended consequences of political decisions. For instance, if the government prohibits guns or drugs, they create a violent black market. This market attracts criminal minds, because it's illegal and they're large profits to be made from illegal activity. There are many deaths in this criminal world, too, because instead of marketing wars you have gun battles and turf wars. So violence in the country goes up and innocent lives are lost as a consequence to increased violence. Now, more police are hired to fight the outlaws, resulting in higher taxes for the citizens. Police capture many of the criminals, but the incentives of illegal activity are too great, and those captured criminals are quickly replaced. Jail cells now overflow with criminals, again resulting in higher tax payer dollars. All of these reactions happen from one decision, a decision that was conceived to protect people. Now whether that decision is right or wrong is a discussion for another day, I just want to illustrate the effect of decisions.

Here is an unintended consequence of toilets: Hemorrhoids. Think about it. You're not going to read the paper cover to cover while SQUATTING. Squatting is a workout. You have like a minute to go, and then your body gives out. Squatting is also natural. We were built to releave our bodies by squatting. It was what humans did for thousands of years pre-toilet. Beleive me, I'm still going to choose a toilet everytime. I'm just so fascinated with these unintended consquences. They're thousands of them just like this one. Can you think of any?

The Amusement Park

Does this look familiar? No silly, it's not Disney World; it's Lotte World!







Lotte World is the largest indoor theme park in the world. In addition, there's also a newer outdoor section with some exciting rides.

The indoor portion of Lotte World is huge. There are crowds everywhere! The park was built in 1989 and all the rides indoor date back to the park's founding. So, there weren't a lot of thrills. Koreans have a problem with originality. The music, the movies, the clothes, and the companies are spitting images of American pop culture. For instance, the first Korean movie I saw was, "The Good, the Bad, and the Weird" which was a spitting image of the old Clint Eastwood flick only modified to Korean history. There is a clothing company called Crocodile, which suspiciously resembles Lacoste clothing. Naturally, the rides at Lotte World are clones of Disney World rides. There is a ride in Lotte World named "Sindbad's Revenge" aka "Pirates of the Caribbean" at Disney World.

Outside is where all the fun is, and I sure loved it. There is this one ride called "The Gyro Drop." I'll let this video clue you in on the rest...




As you can see, it's equipped with a sizable drop. When the ride started to accelerate to the top, I looked over at Meg and saw little tears start to stream down her cheek. I made her go on this ride. She was starting to panic. At the top of the ride, when the ride stopped spinning, Meg began to lose it. She screamed, "We're going to die!" And in less than 3 seconds, it was over. Although Meg was shaking like a leaf during November, we lived.

We also got to ride the Gyro Swing, which might be the world's biggest, fastest spinning swing. (click the link for a video) This ride was the closest thing to flying I'll ever experience. There was one worthwhile roller coaster as well. It was a great day.

On to a random note...
Since Micheal Jackson's death, I've heard random Korean storefronts blaring his tunes constantly for the last two days. The guy was an international superstar. He is the one guy whose hit songs can ALWAYS get me to dance or at least drum my foot. I'll never forget the response Billy Jean got at Jimmy's wedding. Those guys who grew up with MJ (too lazy to type it out) made me wish that I grew up in that era. To see 40 year old Jimmy trying to do the splits to Billy Jean was hilarious. The music (and alcohol) motivated him to dance his ass off. His childhood friend, Tom, was singing and moonwalking around the dance floor like he was MJ. It was an awesome sight. The guy was a legend, and I'm a huge fan. So was I sad to here that he died... not really, not at all. He died to me a couple of years after the Free Willy song came out. After he started transforming into a creep, a clown. After he started dangling babies off balconies. After he was accused of multiple child molestations. In the later part of his life, he was overshadowed by the controversies that surrounded him. This is the MJ I know, the caricature version. I'm more bummed out about Billy Mays.

(cont)

Life really starts to get crazy once we get into Laos. Laos has a wretched infrastructure. Some of the huts/bungalows we'll stay at will be without electricity during the day and at night, they run generators. The roads are so bad. It takes hours to travel 40 miles. So, as of right now, I don't really have a definite schedule for Laos. But I do have three remaining musts on this adventure.

The Gibbon Experience



If a picture is worth a thousand words, than how many words are a video worth?

I'm going to be flying through the jungle on a zip line right next to the Mekong River, staying overnight in a tree house, and maybe looking at some apes. This is actually number one on the list of the four things I most want to do.


Elephants

I haven't decided if I want to ride an elephant or work with them. Many elephants are treated poorly in order to make a profit. They are usually beat into submission and forced to give rides, pan handle, paint, throw darts, and other various things to get money from tourists. So do I want to work with the abused in a national park, or do I want to go on a trek with them in the middle of the jungle? I can ride on their backs with one option. So I'm leaning towards that. Besides, who doesn't wake up in the morning and think, "Man, I got to ride on an elephant sometime in my life. " I know I do.

Floating

Okay, the depressing music is quite bothersome, but look at the size of that rope swing. Floating is one of my favorite things ever, so this could/will be the grand daddy of all them. Hope this also gives you a sense of the beautiful Laotian landscape. The best quote of the video, "So we've just come back to our bugalow for the night, where we don't have electricity, because it's... umm Laos." I'm so excited.

The Itinerary

Okay, this is a post for those of you who like to live vicariously. This is the sample itinerary: (requires reading links)


This is all subject to change.


July 15th: Leave the beautiful Incheon International Airport and head for Bangkok.




(image - Wikipedia)





Alright, this is a long flight with a long layover in Singapore. Is a 5+ hour layover considered long? Do we have enough time to go outside and see Singapore?*







*While I've been to Hawaii, I was only there for 2 hours and never left the airport, so have I been in Hawaii? Can I "count" Hawaii as a place I've been?

July 16th: Arrive in Bangkok and head to Kho San Road for a couple of hours.

Well, this is a place as Scott once told me, "It's illegal to have that much fun in America." As you see in this video, the street is swarming with white people in flip flops, hippies from every corner of the world, and Mormons. Yes, even Mormons make it out to Sinners Road. This video looks like a scence from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and is the first video I've ever posted. Some people come to Thailand on vacation and never leave, but don't you worry, mom, I'll be coming home. Hippies on drugs scare me.

July 17th: Head to one of the various travel agencies, pray to get a legit agent and not a scammer, and buy a one-way ticket to Phuket is our game plan for today. From what I've read, Phuket is famous for lady boys and the old dodgy bastards that are with the lady boys. Oh yeah, they are also a boat ride away from some of the world's most famous/infamous* beaches.

*There are a lot of people who HATE what 20th Century Fox did to the island during the filming of The Beach. They basically planted a lot of trees, bulldozed the beach, and spent thousands of dollars picking up trash that tourists left behind. Basically they made it paradise. But they altered it. And now they have lawsuits claiming to have done irreversible damage to the ecosystem.

July 18th: This will be a day to catch our wind. Nothing special is planned. Just a little R&R on the glorious beaches of Thailand.*

*FYI: The Prostitution in Thailand got a big boom during the Vietnam War, when US forces would head down to Thailand for a little R&R, or as what they called it I&I- Intoxication and Intercourse.

July 19th: Once again we tempt fate and put our lives/pocketbooks in the hands of a travel agent. You might be wondering, why not go to straight to the bus terminal/boat company? Apparently, the Thai travel agencies have a stranglehold on the market, so middlemen are required. But our reward for doing so outweighs the risk. Ko Pi Pi is home to some of the best looking beaches in the world, and infamously (as I touched on earlier) hosted the shooting of the movie The Beach. Here is a link to see some breathtaking pictures.

July 20th: We're just going to chill in our bungalow fifteen feet from the beach.

July 21st: This day will be special for me because I have four mandatory things for this trip. On the 20th, I get to accomplish the first one. Meg and I are going to camp out on Maya Bay. Check it out. The reviews people give this experience are amazing. I can't wait.

July 22nd: Today we'll choose between snorkeling, kayaking, swimming, deep sea fishing, rock climbing, or visiting Thai National Park uninhabited islands.

July 23rd: See above.

July 24th: See above.

July 25th: This is one of many hard days of travel. Meg's college friend, Michelle happens to be coming to Thailand on the 26th. She stays until August 1st. The plan is for us to meet up with her on the east coast of Thailand. Here is a map of Thailand:

(image- http://www.lonelyplanet.com/maps/asia/thailand/)

As you can see, Phuket is in the Southwestern corner. Ko Pi Pi (Ko is the Thai word for island, so anytime you see the word Ko you'll know we're on an island) is northwest of Phuket in the Andaman Sea. Phuket got rocked in the Tsunami of 2004 as well as Ko Pi Pi. Thailand's neighbor is Myanmar. Myanmar caught the brunt end of that natural disaster.

Sorry for the digression. Michelle is meeting us at Ko Samui on or around the 27th, so now we'll be on the east coast in the Gulf of Thailand. The Gulf of Thailand is supposed to have better scuba diving, so here is where we might go for a dive. Certifications are like napkins in the third world, so they're not required on most dives.

July 26th: I think (I have no idea) we'll still be traveling today, but we will arrive at Ko Samui and relax.

July 27th: Hopefully we meet up with Michelle today. Today we head north to Ko Pha-Ngam. Another island. More paradise. This island is home of the biggest beach party in the world. 30,000 thousand 20 year old somethings head here to dance and drink all night long. The party is called the Full Moon Party. Unfortunately/fortunately we're going to miss this monster of a party, but luckily we'll get to the watered down version, the Half Moon party on the 28th. By Half Moon party, I don't think 15,000 people will be there either, maybe 5,000. Google Full Moon party to see more if you're interested.

July 28th: Maybe scuba dive. I don't know. Who knows really? I do know that most of you back home will be at work in the middle of a hot, humid Midwest summer, while I'll be sipping umbrella drinks and lying on white sand. (That was just mean spirited, who knows the two Koreas might be at war soon and I'd do anything to be back in Missouri assuming a nuke doesn't vaporize me first) At night, we'll check out the drunken fest. Should be a good time.

July 29th: Back to Ko Samui for the beach life. In fact, I imagine we'll just sleep on the beach.

July 30th: Today we're heading back to Bangkok. Once we get to Bangkok, maybe after a night of sleeping, we're getting on a bus for Laos.

To Be Continued

Dr. Fish

I had an interesting weekend involving fish. Not raw fish, but actual live fish. I got a pedicure from two different types of fish. One was a sucker, the other a biter. Dr. Fish Cafe, which is really a bar, (with this fish gimmick) is home to this unique experience.





(Meg's feet)










These fish are called:




(Garra rufa)










These guys suck the dead skin off your feet. The fish are known as "Doctorfish" and are quite popular throughout the world. Some go as far to bathe with these little suckers. At the beginning, I was very squeamish, because these little devils tickle! But I've never been too keen at getting the toe jam out of my own feet, so I overcame the torturous tickling.






(Meg's feet to the left)










Yes those are inch long fish biting Meg's feet. These little biters are called:





(Well, if you have eagle eyes you can read it! They are called Chin Chin. (they don't have a wiki page yet))










(My ugly, not to mention hairy feet)










Chin Chin's were by far the better fish. You could feel them nibble away. I mean, you could feel them chomping down taking chunks out of your heel. Actually, you could just feel them nibble. My gigantic feet were the prize for them as well. I averaged twice as many fish per foot than other people around the fish pool. I thought letting the soap water rinse down the rest of my body in the shower was enough to get all the dead skin off, but apparently I was mistaken. (Does that even count as a washing?) Did it hurt? No. It was unnerving at first, but after three minutes the shock wore off and it became normal. Were your feet soft? My feet have never been softer.


This was an awesome experience that I recommend for anyone. In fact, what is better than sipping a White Russian while getting your feet munched on by tiny chomping piranhas?

Busan Pictures

It's not easy to make Zach look average or even small but I make it happen here. He must be on his knees.

We ate at our local mall today*. The food court of our mall is similar to the setup of a mall back home. And before my very eyes I saw the cutest thing. A little girl, maybe three years old, was running around the food court by herself. She then fell... hard. She began to scream, wince, and grab her knee. She yelled, "Oma, Oma!"** And her mom was nowhere to be found. She started to panic. After her tenth hysterical Oma bellow, we saw a little Korean lady run towards her child. The little girl was calmed immediately at the sight of her mother. It was pretty cute. If she could express her feelings, she would have said this: "I fell Mom! Right on my knee and it hurt so bad! I thought the pain was going to kill me! Where were you when I needed you? I know I just ran away, but I was bored! I hate that prison you call a stroller!*** I needed you, and you weren't there."

*The malls here are more like Department stores back home, only they are like 15 stories and not nearly as wide. The individual stores share the open space, so it feels like one store with different departments. It is hard to tell where one store begins and another ends.

**The Korean word for Mom is Oma. Dad is Apa. How similar are those to Ma and Pa? Now that I think about it, many languages share common sounding words for mother and father.

***Seoul is so dense so public transportation is rampant. That means less cars. That means more walking. That means you might need a serious stroller if you're a mother out shopping. The strollers in Korea are INTENSE. They look more like a 350 cc ATV than a baby carriage. They are designed to go through subway turnstiles, fold into pancakes, go over curbs, and ride escalators. They even have weather guarding plastic shields. The link does not due them justice. The wheels on these strollers exceed 12 inches!

The random thing I'm craving today: A Couch
It is 10:13 at night on Wednesday. I get off work in an hour. I really just want to channel surf while lying on a couch. But I have no couch. Nor have I been on a couch in a long, long time. There is not a lot of room for a couch, when you're living in a small apartment.