Journal Entry Day 2

Continuing this mock journal series. A fictional account of adventures in Southeast Asia.

It was almost one o'clock in the afternoon when humid air hit my lungs and sunshine touched my pale skin. I explained to cab driver after cab driver, that I had a ride, that I knew where I was going, that I did not need to be bothered. Thailand has beautiful beaches and ethically challenged public transport drivers. To curtail this, the Thai government setup an English booth where they would translate your destination to the driver. They tell you a price to expect to pay in an effort to avoid the infamous Thai runaround. There's a phone number to tattle tale on the driver, if anything is suspicious. Of course, as with anything governmental, there wan an inefficient, long line.

It must of been the sunshine, because the sleepless flight was not rearing its head mentally. Physically, I had bags under my eyes, that you could ski down. And Pobby, the driver was quick to let me know, "You look sick." "Do you have swine flu." Anyway, that's what I think he said. The rest of the exchange went something like this:

Me: Bobby, do you think I have swine flu? (note: Many Asians, especially in Korea, have English nicknames to make it easier on foreigners. They seem to like these names as well, that's why I thought his name was Bobby.)
Pobby: Pobby, Pobby.
Me: Javy? (English can be very hard to understand...)

Pobby was now showing obvious displeasure in our inability to get past the most rudimentary of conversations. Giving up on having a conversation on my health, Pobby worked through the adversity and said, "Like Bobby, but P." Check mate. "Pobby!!!" I yelled, bringing a smile to his sweaty face. Thailand is known as the land of smiles. I know this due to Pobby's reckless tailgating. Being mere feet from a cab in front of us, I could easily make out the bumper sticker on the car in front of us. When Pobby ran the red light, well, that's when I started to cheer. Cheaper taxi rates are truly one of life's little pleasures.

Getting took advantage of; however, is one of the worst things. Pobby, not worried about any foreigner reporting him, pulled into a filling station off the highway. Pobby handed the gas station clerk, a man that checked in at about 5 feet, all the money in his hand, which totaled less than three dollars. And, in that moment, I became confused. This should not happen, I thought. On the other hand, it was only for a minute, and the meter might of gone up fifty cents. Poor Pobby is probably down to his last smoke judging by the bent and weightless pack of Marlbaro Reds. I can't say anything. He only put three dollars in the cab.

"Pobby, no more red light running, okay?" Yes, Yes, we almost out of gas back there," he said, flashing a million dollar grin, that let me know that this vacation was not about sweating the small stuff.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving really crept up on me this year. I didn't even know it was turkey day until about two o'clock in the afternoon! Last year, if you can recall, Meg and I went to Outback Steakhouse with another friend to get a little taste from home. It wasn't a turkey dinner, but how can you ever go wrong with steak? Since Thanksgiving is all about tradition, Meg and I set out to repeat that feat. Outback steakhouse happens to be two subway stops away from where I live. Once again we were treated to some fantastic fillets, cheerful service, and a taste of home. We followed that up with a walk on the beach. I love this place. Here is a Korean commercial for Outback:

My Training Week

If you're not interested in a couple of paragraphs dedicated to how much my life sucked last week, then spare yourself ten minutes and skip this entry. Consider yourself warned.

When your leaving your country/home for a year, your health is not a big priority. In fact, it doesn't make the list. Up at the top of that list, is hanging out with friends and family, and that's exactly what I did. I ended up in Manhattan on a Saturday night with the intention of tying one on, and believe it or not, when you set out to tie one on, you do it rather easily. With my immune system hammered drunk the next day, I was vulnerable to all the elements.

Everybody should be aware by now of the hardships of flying in a single aircraft for over 10 hours. I certainly am. I wasn't aware; however, of flying for over 10 hours sick with the flu. Let's just save some space and say it was crappy.

The next five days was spent either in a training room or in my hotel room studying. It was seriously as intense as finals week back at Mizzou. I took four written tests, listened to seminar after seminar on teaching techniques, and I taught using the techniques that were given to us. Basically, it felt like a real job. It felt like I'm getting old and have some responsibility in my life. I just wish I felt good while attending this hell week. Instead, I was trying hard not to cough up a lung. I was trying not to sneeze nuclear yellow snot all over myself. These were not the ideal circumstances.

They don't really tell you this when you're in America; they just gloss right over it. They tell you that 87% of the people that come to training end up with jobs, but they didn't tell you that training was in essence an extended job interview. An interview that could theoretically cost me up to 1300 dollars (the cost of a round trip ticket), if it didn't go well. Fortunately for me it went well, and I was offered the job. If you're interested in the grammar part of my test, check out a few of the items that were covered on my test. (this was a portion of our study guide)

Subject and Verb Agreement

Conditional Verb Forms

Dependant Clauses

Parallel Structures

Story Time

I was in Southeast Asia for five weeks. The time frame is too long for me to write about in my normal way. I need to write about just the specific events, which sounds easy enough. The only problem is I cannot write that way. I don't know why. I'm going to write a fictional journal based on some of my stories/experiences.

Day 1

Flying is not much fun, period. Flying to the other side of the world, across the Pacific, across 12 time zones is going to be dreadful. I'm standing in an international "que" in the Big D. From the city of fountains to Dallas, Texas, took two hours, now I have a three hour layover here in George Bush's state. Big must be the motto of Texas, because they have big stadiums, big trucks, and BIG people. "Everything is bigger in Texas." Observing obscenely obese people standing stationary on moving walkways with high fructose corn syrup pumping through their veins, one hand holding a soda the other candy as if they're at the movies. This cringing sight will make you want to get the hell out of Texas. Yet, as far as my journey goes, the bigness of Dallas is perfect, after all this is the biggest trip of my life.

Traveling in a plane from Dallas to Bangkok, Thailand will be awful, and there's just no way around it. 18 and a half hours spent on a plane with crying babies, sniffling ill, and complainers does not make for an enjoyable day. My only chance for salvation happens to be the Nyquil pills in my pocket. I hope the six pills I popped do the trick. I already missed out on the airline carrier since I'm flying American. American Airlines home of the most 50 year old washed up, working women in the world. These women literally hate stewarding, but are still there thanks to unions and other "rights" supplied to them by "progressive" thinkers. 45 year old men can thank those progressive thinkers as well. These aren't my ideal flight attendants. That certainly includes Thor, a gay man about the age of 50 who was just a little too friendly if you catch my drift.

These were not the faces of American Airlines in the 50's or 60's, and these are not the faces of the airline carriers occupying Asia. I'd do anything to fly Korean Air and not just for the free booze they provide. The stewardesses are beautiful, gracious, caring, and not a day older than 35. Although, Asians age well, so they could be much older. Oh well, American Airlines be damned, I'll be on the beautiful beaches of Thailand soon enough.

Entry Part Two Day 1

Despite six usually knock me on my ass pills, no crying babies, a dark, quiet cabin, and a small passenger sound asleep next to me I still can't sleep. Oh, it's so frustrating. The excitement of my future undertakings are at epic proportions. I want to do it all: eat delicious, fresh food right from a street vendor, play sand volleyball on some of God's best beaches, chat/drink with people from all over the world, seek out hidden, off the map tourist treasures, head to the cheesiest tourist attractions, and ride an elephant. I've wanted to ride an elephant my whole life. This will be the holy grail of my vacation. With five weeks at my disposal dispersed amongst only two countries, I should have ample time to accomplish that feet.

For the past three months, I've lived at home, with my parents, with no car, no phone, no bed, and no life. I'm ready for adventure. I'm ready for freedom. I'm ready for Asia.

Thailand

This has got to be fast, because it's expensive. I'm alive and well. I can't stop going to the bathroom. It seems that in Thailand soap is even more of a luxury than in Korea. That problem aside, I've been having a blast.

We did the mayabay camping trip. We've gone snorkeling three times. We've seen the best beaches in the world. We've been on long boats, speed boats, and ferries. We've ate great food. We've stayed in crummy places. We've kayaked. We've swum with Nemo, aka clownfish. We've read books, sipped cocktails and fruit shakes, and played all while on the beach.

Traveling in Thailand is stress free. They hold your hand threw thw whole process. It has been a breeze. I will update later.

The Carnival

A Korean carny is as awesome as you would expect.* I once had an incident involving the Octopus in an American carnival. If you don't know what ride the Octopus is you really need to get out more. It might be the most ubiquitous carny ride.* Basically, I learned you can't trust a carny worker with random patches of hair scattered throughout his Oklahoma City sun burnt face. He's far more interested in creeping out any high school girls coming his way than looking out for the safety of a child. Besides, he has to smoke another red and look cool in his wife beater, who cares about the kid whose door wasn't properly locked. But I'm 23 now and ready for thrills, so that little incident won't deter me.

*That sentence was thrown together for the sole purpose of using a big word.

Being scared at a carny in the States is probably more based on incompetence of both man and machine. Being scared here in Korea is another animal. A whole different dog. For starters, the only rule is there are no rules. The machine operators take you to the limits, especially if you're a foreigner. Ride durations are stunningly long. One of the best things about rides is their brevity, the uncomfortableness is minimized to a minute or a minute and a half, but not here. There is this ride called the Crazy Flip. It basically flips you upside down and throws you about. It's a lot of fun for a couple of minutes, but after five minutes it loses its wonder. Un-com-for-ta-ble. After hanging upside down for far longer than any orangutan in the jungle, it will give you quite a blood rush to the head.

The next ride we went on was the Disco! The sole purpose of this ride was to make your life miserable. Here is a picture of the ride:

It's a circular, spinning, bucking nightmare. The operator looked at the ten or so of us foreigners and said, "I'm terminator." The object of the ride is not to be bucked off. It's similar to a giant bucking bull in that regard. I grabbed anything I could and held on for dear life. The floor of this ride is padded. The "Terminator" will not stop the ride until a few unfortunate souls fall down. The entire ride is crazy. The ride throws you out of your seat when it bucks. If you weren't holding on, you would fly right out of your seat. Meg almost did, but luckily for her she's dating a superhero who happened to save her.

The best thing about this fun filled night was the bumper cars. To be honest with you, I love bumper cars. Bumper cars became a huge part of my summers at the Ozarks. 30 years from now, I'll remember the long, boring afternoons spent driving throughout the Ozark countryside as the rents looked for houses. Those trips were only tolerable, because more often than not they were topped off with a trip to the Dam. And that meant bumper cars. There is nothing like taking your frustration out on those who frustrated you. I was locked in like a heat seeking missile on Dave. This was my normal thought process, "You want to bore me to tears. You want me to listen to 8 Steely Dan albums. My friends are out tubing, while I'm picking up ReMax fliers on the front lawns of houses we'll never see again. I hope you have a good chiropractor." Dave and I had some good battles. Bumper cars just ooze nostalgia for me.

So, I was absolutely not surprised when I was the first one in line for the bumper cars at this carnival, however, these were not your normal pedestrian bumper cars. These were bumper cars from like the 1970's. These were bumper cars before lawyers. These things were a whiplash in the making. You could see the the volts of electricity on the ceiling while driving. There were no rules. Hell, half of the people in the pit weren't wearing their seat belts. Head on collisions weren't banned; they were encouraged! They were the fastest b-cars I've ever seen. They made the 5 hour car drive to Busan worth it by themselves. The hits were brutal, the lines were non-existent, and the memory will be unforgettable. I had a great time at a Korean carnival.

The Second Commercial

Remember my last commercial? It was more or less an awkward train wreck. I was testifying on behalf of a product that I never used. The director exclusively spoke Korean. And I was paid in a free health examination that I've never used. It was a pretty horrible experience.

So when Meg got a call on Tuesday night from a friend about a possible upcoming commercial, she asked me if I was interested. Without hesitation I answered, "Absolutely." I'll give it a second chance. When Meg told me that we were going to be paid 200 dollars in cash, well, that sealed the deal for sure. Meg and I had to wake up at the butt crack of dawn to make it to the infamous casino. Waking up at 6 is not my cup of tea, and once again I failed to get McDonald's due to time constraints. We arrived at the casino at 8:00 o'clock in the morning after an hour spent in the subway. The casino happens to be the place where I lost 200 dollars, (I blame the White Russians) so I figure they owe me this anyway. There was no dialogue in this part as an added bonus.

Acting is very awkward. That's the only way to describe it. It's unnatural to be pretending in front of people. I remember the children who pretended in front of others growing up were the ones that got made fun of. I still have emotional scars. I also have a theory on cameras: People either love them or hate them, and I hate them. There is one video (that I know of) of me on the internets*. As you can see, I'm in a crouched position hiding from the camera. I literally hate the damn things.**



*I think one of my roommates specifically typed my whole name. I have no idea why. Perhaps one of you could enlighten me.

**The other hit on my name is this darling quote I gave, "Warnken Properties made my first renting experience a breeze." The first renting experience I had was with Warnken properties. I gave them that quote hoping to receive my entire security deposit back. Of course, they still robbed me of 75 dollars. I gave them that great quote despite the fact that I HATED that company. They would charge us 25 dollars every week too if we didn't take out our trash. Even if our can was empty, we still had to take it to the dumpster. Because we were irresponsible college students, we got charged a lot. 25 dollars split four ways isn't a lot, but it adds up. Even worse, I once got a call from the Fire Marshall telling me that I need to come down to her office for an interview. I'm 20 years old. I'm in over my head the minute I answer that call. My crazy landlord thought someone from my apartment tried to burn down the entire building. She was trying to charge me and my roommates with arson. They eventually found out who did burn the building. It wasn't us, and it was an accident. She was awful. She was a fascist. And now I'm reminded every time I google myself that I sold my soul to that devil with the mere hopes of receiving my entire deposit back.

There was a cast of 6 foreigners hired. We were paired into couples. I was paired with a different woman. Yes that's right, I was in the process of cheating on Meg, but it's okay since we 're "acting." The first shot involved food. I was eating bibimbop, or I guess I had bibimbop in front of me. My "girlfriend" and I were supposed to chit chat and look very excited. They love enthusiasm. So the more ridiculous we got, the more they loved it. The production values on this commercial were amazing. They had extensive lighting equipment, a moving crane that could move the camera in any direction, and makeup artists that would touch up the three women every 15 minutes or so. Meg had a scene where she had to eat sushi. Meg HATES sushi. Not only does she have to eat sushi, but she has to ACT like she loves it. I got such a big kick out of watching her choke down raw fish and attempt to be overly enthusiastic about it.

This scene was followed by a slot machine scene. Complete with high fives, wide smiles, and a fist pump that would make Tiger Woods proud. And finally we did a roulette scene. It was a long morning that rewarded us with a quesadilla breakfast and 200 dollars. It was well worth the awkwardness of acting. And from now on you'll never hear me make another Tom Cruise joke again.

The First Time (not for the squeamish)

I had a first experience last weekend on an Adventure Korea trip. Every Adventure Korea trip starts the same way... EARLY! For someone who routinely wakes up at 1:00 in the afternoon, waking up at 5:30 in the morning is extremely difficult. This is how the nightmare usually unfolds: First comes anger associated with being tired and hearing an incrementally louder alarm clock. Then, I usually try to talk myself into waking up. I think to myself, "That alarm clock, on the opposite side of the room, will not turn itself off, but it might wake up the neighbors. Get up!" Or I'll think, "Hey, if you get completely dressed and brush your teeth, then you can lie down with your eyes closed for a solid ten minutes." When that doesn't work, then I bring out the big guns. "Come on. You already paid the non-refundable price to go on this trip.* If you don't start moving soon, Meg's going to be pissed." Finally, my last tactic is a huge dose of motivation. "If you get ready soon and forgo the shower,** there might be enough time for McDonald's."*** Of course that works, I love me some Egg McMuffins.****




* Nothing really quite motivates me like throwing money away except for...

** Skipping a shower is easily done, especially in the wee hours of the morning

***...McDonald's gut bomb breakfasts are probably the single greatest way to motivate me in the morning. Perhaps you need an example to illustrate this better. Let's say, I need to get to the airport at 5:30 in the morning. You arrange for an expensive limo, complete with all luxuries a man could possibly ask for, to pick me up at 4:45. The driver is the limo driver in The Big Lebowski my absolute favorite movie of all time. There could be a 1 ounce gold coin waiting for me. All I'm saying is that limo better have some McDonald'd hash browns in it, or I'm going to have a real hard time making the trip. Here's the reality though; I've only actually made it to McDonald's one time. I'm in a 1/15 slump. My average is dog shit. Will it lose it's motivating prowess, of course not!

****The whole episode is very similar to the way a parent has to handle a toddler in the grips of a tantrum on going to church. The big difference is...I'm 23.



To make matters worse, Meg and I decided to go see Transformer's II* the night before...at 12:30... at night. And I don't know if you realize this or not, (we did not) Transformer's has a running time of something like 4 hours. (maybe 2.5 to 3 hours but it feels like 4) I didn't fall asleep until after 4:30, giving me approximately 1 hour of sleep. Needless to say there wasn't enough time to shower or eat McDonald's.



*Make no mistake about it, Transformer's is not a "good" movie, but I was not expecting a "good" movie. My expectations were low, and the movie beat them. I had a good movie experience. Joe Posnanski has a great post about movie going experiences. If you're interested in reading it, skip past the OPS baseball stuff and the random other tidbits. For those of you who don't know Posnanski, he is a columnist for the KC Star, and also happens to be one of the best sports journalists in the nation. To some extent, I have modeled this blog after his, including all the Pozerisks, aka *. The definition of a Pozerisk is, "An aside that has nothing whatsoever to do with anything but is thrown into the middle of the story because the author thinks it’s funny." So far this * definitely qualifies, right? Using his "Movie Expectation Formula," Transformers is a plus 1.5 movie, or in other words pretty good.



Meg and I made it to the bus, which is about a 40 minute commute from our building. Hungry and rushed, we made it with no time to spare. About an hour and a half later, we stopped at a truck stop/gas station. My growling belly directed me towards the food line, where I ordered Korean noodles. I don't know what it was about those noodles, but I think it had something to do with the fact they were microwaved for over three minutes. These piping hot noodles got all kinds of gears turning in my body, and my stomach started growling once again. A different growl this time. A growl that rushed me over to the bathroom.



Oh, Korean bathrooms how I hate you. With a case of the screaming eagles, the last place you want to find yourself is in a Korean bathroom, especially a truck stop Korean bathroom, where the likelihood of toilet paper is roughly 15%. I'm in panic mode now with clenched buttocks. I'm thinking of John Roe;* I'm thinking drastic. I'm marching down every stall seeing two things: Squatters and no toilet paper. Now I start to think, "I've got to go buy TP, but I'm not going to make it. I'm going to be standing in line waiting to purchase TP crapping myself. Then I've got to ride on this bus with the same people, but they'll know I just crapped myself. Oh shit! I've got to steal it." As I'm heading out the door, I see a glorious TP packet left there for emergencies by God himself. I take the whole pack and head to do the unthinkable. I made it 11 months and 1 week without using a squatter.


*I miss John. He's been out of Korea since March. During a night of drinking with Meg and myself, he once infamously went into a Korean bathroom to go number two, because as he says and I now know, "When you got to go, you got to go." He had no TP. He had no toilet. What he had was a squatter and a pair of socks, he came out a legend with one sock. I believe I've told the story before.





















Remember, I'm on NO time here. I'm on the threshold. It's just me and a hole in the ground mono e mono, and I realize I have no idea on how to go about this. What side do I choose? Where do I stand? How do I aim? With no time to think, I just squatted down, and in no time I was finished. Everything was fine. No splatter. No mess. If I apply Joe Posnanski's formula to this experience, I come out with a 1.5 once again. Maybe even higher since my expectations were dreadfully low.

So I've probably just tortured you for about five minutes or so, and there doesn't appear to be a silver lining to any of it. I was laughing with Meg about this post. I joked, "If North Korea does go crazy and nukes/destroys Seoul, the last words I ever write are going to be about pooping in a hole. If I'm the only foreigner to die, I might get my 15 minutes of fame and people are going to READ THIS!"

So here's something for you all to chew on. I'm reading a lot about the unintended consequences of political decisions. For instance, if the government prohibits guns or drugs, they create a violent black market. This market attracts criminal minds, because it's illegal and they're large profits to be made from illegal activity. There are many deaths in this criminal world, too, because instead of marketing wars you have gun battles and turf wars. So violence in the country goes up and innocent lives are lost as a consequence to increased violence. Now, more police are hired to fight the outlaws, resulting in higher taxes for the citizens. Police capture many of the criminals, but the incentives of illegal activity are too great, and those captured criminals are quickly replaced. Jail cells now overflow with criminals, again resulting in higher tax payer dollars. All of these reactions happen from one decision, a decision that was conceived to protect people. Now whether that decision is right or wrong is a discussion for another day, I just want to illustrate the effect of decisions.

Here is an unintended consequence of toilets: Hemorrhoids. Think about it. You're not going to read the paper cover to cover while SQUATTING. Squatting is a workout. You have like a minute to go, and then your body gives out. Squatting is also natural. We were built to releave our bodies by squatting. It was what humans did for thousands of years pre-toilet. Beleive me, I'm still going to choose a toilet everytime. I'm just so fascinated with these unintended consquences. They're thousands of them just like this one. Can you think of any?

The Amusement Park

Does this look familiar? No silly, it's not Disney World; it's Lotte World!







Lotte World is the largest indoor theme park in the world. In addition, there's also a newer outdoor section with some exciting rides.

The indoor portion of Lotte World is huge. There are crowds everywhere! The park was built in 1989 and all the rides indoor date back to the park's founding. So, there weren't a lot of thrills. Koreans have a problem with originality. The music, the movies, the clothes, and the companies are spitting images of American pop culture. For instance, the first Korean movie I saw was, "The Good, the Bad, and the Weird" which was a spitting image of the old Clint Eastwood flick only modified to Korean history. There is a clothing company called Crocodile, which suspiciously resembles Lacoste clothing. Naturally, the rides at Lotte World are clones of Disney World rides. There is a ride in Lotte World named "Sindbad's Revenge" aka "Pirates of the Caribbean" at Disney World.

Outside is where all the fun is, and I sure loved it. There is this one ride called "The Gyro Drop." I'll let this video clue you in on the rest...




As you can see, it's equipped with a sizable drop. When the ride started to accelerate to the top, I looked over at Meg and saw little tears start to stream down her cheek. I made her go on this ride. She was starting to panic. At the top of the ride, when the ride stopped spinning, Meg began to lose it. She screamed, "We're going to die!" And in less than 3 seconds, it was over. Although Meg was shaking like a leaf during November, we lived.

We also got to ride the Gyro Swing, which might be the world's biggest, fastest spinning swing. (click the link for a video) This ride was the closest thing to flying I'll ever experience. There was one worthwhile roller coaster as well. It was a great day.

On to a random note...
Since Micheal Jackson's death, I've heard random Korean storefronts blaring his tunes constantly for the last two days. The guy was an international superstar. He is the one guy whose hit songs can ALWAYS get me to dance or at least drum my foot. I'll never forget the response Billy Jean got at Jimmy's wedding. Those guys who grew up with MJ (too lazy to type it out) made me wish that I grew up in that era. To see 40 year old Jimmy trying to do the splits to Billy Jean was hilarious. The music (and alcohol) motivated him to dance his ass off. His childhood friend, Tom, was singing and moonwalking around the dance floor like he was MJ. It was an awesome sight. The guy was a legend, and I'm a huge fan. So was I sad to here that he died... not really, not at all. He died to me a couple of years after the Free Willy song came out. After he started transforming into a creep, a clown. After he started dangling babies off balconies. After he was accused of multiple child molestations. In the later part of his life, he was overshadowed by the controversies that surrounded him. This is the MJ I know, the caricature version. I'm more bummed out about Billy Mays.

(cont)

Life really starts to get crazy once we get into Laos. Laos has a wretched infrastructure. Some of the huts/bungalows we'll stay at will be without electricity during the day and at night, they run generators. The roads are so bad. It takes hours to travel 40 miles. So, as of right now, I don't really have a definite schedule for Laos. But I do have three remaining musts on this adventure.

The Gibbon Experience



If a picture is worth a thousand words, than how many words are a video worth?

I'm going to be flying through the jungle on a zip line right next to the Mekong River, staying overnight in a tree house, and maybe looking at some apes. This is actually number one on the list of the four things I most want to do.


Elephants

I haven't decided if I want to ride an elephant or work with them. Many elephants are treated poorly in order to make a profit. They are usually beat into submission and forced to give rides, pan handle, paint, throw darts, and other various things to get money from tourists. So do I want to work with the abused in a national park, or do I want to go on a trek with them in the middle of the jungle? I can ride on their backs with one option. So I'm leaning towards that. Besides, who doesn't wake up in the morning and think, "Man, I got to ride on an elephant sometime in my life. " I know I do.

Floating

Okay, the depressing music is quite bothersome, but look at the size of that rope swing. Floating is one of my favorite things ever, so this could/will be the grand daddy of all them. Hope this also gives you a sense of the beautiful Laotian landscape. The best quote of the video, "So we've just come back to our bugalow for the night, where we don't have electricity, because it's... umm Laos." I'm so excited.

The Itinerary

Okay, this is a post for those of you who like to live vicariously. This is the sample itinerary: (requires reading links)


This is all subject to change.


July 15th: Leave the beautiful Incheon International Airport and head for Bangkok.




(image - Wikipedia)





Alright, this is a long flight with a long layover in Singapore. Is a 5+ hour layover considered long? Do we have enough time to go outside and see Singapore?*







*While I've been to Hawaii, I was only there for 2 hours and never left the airport, so have I been in Hawaii? Can I "count" Hawaii as a place I've been?

July 16th: Arrive in Bangkok and head to Kho San Road for a couple of hours.

Well, this is a place as Scott once told me, "It's illegal to have that much fun in America." As you see in this video, the street is swarming with white people in flip flops, hippies from every corner of the world, and Mormons. Yes, even Mormons make it out to Sinners Road. This video looks like a scence from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and is the first video I've ever posted. Some people come to Thailand on vacation and never leave, but don't you worry, mom, I'll be coming home. Hippies on drugs scare me.

July 17th: Head to one of the various travel agencies, pray to get a legit agent and not a scammer, and buy a one-way ticket to Phuket is our game plan for today. From what I've read, Phuket is famous for lady boys and the old dodgy bastards that are with the lady boys. Oh yeah, they are also a boat ride away from some of the world's most famous/infamous* beaches.

*There are a lot of people who HATE what 20th Century Fox did to the island during the filming of The Beach. They basically planted a lot of trees, bulldozed the beach, and spent thousands of dollars picking up trash that tourists left behind. Basically they made it paradise. But they altered it. And now they have lawsuits claiming to have done irreversible damage to the ecosystem.

July 18th: This will be a day to catch our wind. Nothing special is planned. Just a little R&R on the glorious beaches of Thailand.*

*FYI: The Prostitution in Thailand got a big boom during the Vietnam War, when US forces would head down to Thailand for a little R&R, or as what they called it I&I- Intoxication and Intercourse.

July 19th: Once again we tempt fate and put our lives/pocketbooks in the hands of a travel agent. You might be wondering, why not go to straight to the bus terminal/boat company? Apparently, the Thai travel agencies have a stranglehold on the market, so middlemen are required. But our reward for doing so outweighs the risk. Ko Pi Pi is home to some of the best looking beaches in the world, and infamously (as I touched on earlier) hosted the shooting of the movie The Beach. Here is a link to see some breathtaking pictures.

July 20th: We're just going to chill in our bungalow fifteen feet from the beach.

July 21st: This day will be special for me because I have four mandatory things for this trip. On the 20th, I get to accomplish the first one. Meg and I are going to camp out on Maya Bay. Check it out. The reviews people give this experience are amazing. I can't wait.

July 22nd: Today we'll choose between snorkeling, kayaking, swimming, deep sea fishing, rock climbing, or visiting Thai National Park uninhabited islands.

July 23rd: See above.

July 24th: See above.

July 25th: This is one of many hard days of travel. Meg's college friend, Michelle happens to be coming to Thailand on the 26th. She stays until August 1st. The plan is for us to meet up with her on the east coast of Thailand. Here is a map of Thailand:

(image- http://www.lonelyplanet.com/maps/asia/thailand/)

As you can see, Phuket is in the Southwestern corner. Ko Pi Pi (Ko is the Thai word for island, so anytime you see the word Ko you'll know we're on an island) is northwest of Phuket in the Andaman Sea. Phuket got rocked in the Tsunami of 2004 as well as Ko Pi Pi. Thailand's neighbor is Myanmar. Myanmar caught the brunt end of that natural disaster.

Sorry for the digression. Michelle is meeting us at Ko Samui on or around the 27th, so now we'll be on the east coast in the Gulf of Thailand. The Gulf of Thailand is supposed to have better scuba diving, so here is where we might go for a dive. Certifications are like napkins in the third world, so they're not required on most dives.

July 26th: I think (I have no idea) we'll still be traveling today, but we will arrive at Ko Samui and relax.

July 27th: Hopefully we meet up with Michelle today. Today we head north to Ko Pha-Ngam. Another island. More paradise. This island is home of the biggest beach party in the world. 30,000 thousand 20 year old somethings head here to dance and drink all night long. The party is called the Full Moon Party. Unfortunately/fortunately we're going to miss this monster of a party, but luckily we'll get to the watered down version, the Half Moon party on the 28th. By Half Moon party, I don't think 15,000 people will be there either, maybe 5,000. Google Full Moon party to see more if you're interested.

July 28th: Maybe scuba dive. I don't know. Who knows really? I do know that most of you back home will be at work in the middle of a hot, humid Midwest summer, while I'll be sipping umbrella drinks and lying on white sand. (That was just mean spirited, who knows the two Koreas might be at war soon and I'd do anything to be back in Missouri assuming a nuke doesn't vaporize me first) At night, we'll check out the drunken fest. Should be a good time.

July 29th: Back to Ko Samui for the beach life. In fact, I imagine we'll just sleep on the beach.

July 30th: Today we're heading back to Bangkok. Once we get to Bangkok, maybe after a night of sleeping, we're getting on a bus for Laos.

To Be Continued

Dr. Fish

I had an interesting weekend involving fish. Not raw fish, but actual live fish. I got a pedicure from two different types of fish. One was a sucker, the other a biter. Dr. Fish Cafe, which is really a bar, (with this fish gimmick) is home to this unique experience.





(Meg's feet)










These fish are called:




(Garra rufa)










These guys suck the dead skin off your feet. The fish are known as "Doctorfish" and are quite popular throughout the world. Some go as far to bathe with these little suckers. At the beginning, I was very squeamish, because these little devils tickle! But I've never been too keen at getting the toe jam out of my own feet, so I overcame the torturous tickling.






(Meg's feet to the left)










Yes those are inch long fish biting Meg's feet. These little biters are called:





(Well, if you have eagle eyes you can read it! They are called Chin Chin. (they don't have a wiki page yet))










(My ugly, not to mention hairy feet)










Chin Chin's were by far the better fish. You could feel them nibble away. I mean, you could feel them chomping down taking chunks out of your heel. Actually, you could just feel them nibble. My gigantic feet were the prize for them as well. I averaged twice as many fish per foot than other people around the fish pool. I thought letting the soap water rinse down the rest of my body in the shower was enough to get all the dead skin off, but apparently I was mistaken. (Does that even count as a washing?) Did it hurt? No. It was unnerving at first, but after three minutes the shock wore off and it became normal. Were your feet soft? My feet have never been softer.


This was an awesome experience that I recommend for anyone. In fact, what is better than sipping a White Russian while getting your feet munched on by tiny chomping piranhas?

Busan Pictures

It's not easy to make Zach look average or even small but I make it happen here. He must be on his knees.

We ate at our local mall today*. The food court of our mall is similar to the setup of a mall back home. And before my very eyes I saw the cutest thing. A little girl, maybe three years old, was running around the food court by herself. She then fell... hard. She began to scream, wince, and grab her knee. She yelled, "Oma, Oma!"** And her mom was nowhere to be found. She started to panic. After her tenth hysterical Oma bellow, we saw a little Korean lady run towards her child. The little girl was calmed immediately at the sight of her mother. It was pretty cute. If she could express her feelings, she would have said this: "I fell Mom! Right on my knee and it hurt so bad! I thought the pain was going to kill me! Where were you when I needed you? I know I just ran away, but I was bored! I hate that prison you call a stroller!*** I needed you, and you weren't there."

*The malls here are more like Department stores back home, only they are like 15 stories and not nearly as wide. The individual stores share the open space, so it feels like one store with different departments. It is hard to tell where one store begins and another ends.

**The Korean word for Mom is Oma. Dad is Apa. How similar are those to Ma and Pa? Now that I think about it, many languages share common sounding words for mother and father.

***Seoul is so dense so public transportation is rampant. That means less cars. That means more walking. That means you might need a serious stroller if you're a mother out shopping. The strollers in Korea are INTENSE. They look more like a 350 cc ATV than a baby carriage. They are designed to go through subway turnstiles, fold into pancakes, go over curbs, and ride escalators. They even have weather guarding plastic shields. The link does not due them justice. The wheels on these strollers exceed 12 inches!

The random thing I'm craving today: A Couch
It is 10:13 at night on Wednesday. I get off work in an hour. I really just want to channel surf while lying on a couch. But I have no couch. Nor have I been on a couch in a long, long time. There is not a lot of room for a couch, when you're living in a small apartment.

Busan

With the United States Armed Forces and the ROK (Republic of Korea) Army at Defcon 4, and my poor mother going months without a word from her baby boy, I figure now is a good time to update you about the happenings in Korea. North Korea is putting on a show, a full court press, to try and use their military might to leverage more drums of oil and bags of rice from China, Russia, Japan, South Korea, and the US. I’m wondering if the American media has shown the parades North Korea has been throwing; you know the ones with a bunch of poor North Korean men goose stepping with what appears to be a bunch of Sherman Tanks right in front of them. I don’t know how many Sherman Tanks would be needed to take down ONE Abrhams, but I’m starting the over under line at 50! Their aggressive actions don’t scare anyone in Seoul, except the foreigners. But here’s what is scaring the heck out of them, swine flu. And to be honest, I’m scared too!


South Korea is many things, but clean isn't one of them. The chance of you going to a bathroom that has soap in it is a perfect 50-50 shot. The chances of you going to a bathroom with a liquid dispenser or a clean bar of soap (translation- no small curly black hairs on the bar) are nil. It’s pretty amazing to me that I’m not sick more due to the fact that I work with children and our school is horrible with soap. Yes, in my own school, the 50-50 ratio holds true. (Although I just went to the bathroom to check out if there was soap or not, and there was TWO bars of soap!) For your information, the toilet paper in the stall ratio is an abysmal 20% here at my academy.* Howie Mendel would kill himself if he had to stay here longer than an hour. For the most part, it is foreigners that have contracted Swine Flu, or as they call over here SI. Contracting it first from their native countries and then testing positive for it over here upon arrival. Some foreigners were quarantined for an eight day adventure that you should read about that here. Our company has already given us orders to try and avoid the foreigner districts. I’ve heard of companies threatening to fire anyone who is caught in one of these foreign districts.

*I don’t know if I have mentioned this before, but South Koreans don’t flush their used toilet paper. They place it in a trash can.* I’m not saying this is wrong, because I vaguely remember watching a TV program on the problems that toilet paper and other wastes can cause on sewage systems; I’m just saying it is different. Especially in public bathrooms with heaping amounts of used TP.

**Many fancier places***, have trashcans that have a lids on them. You know the lids that flip over and turn in to the trash to open up. I simply refuse to use these lids. You push your trash on the lid. Gross. Then the lid touches more trash in the can. Gross.

*** Of course the fancy, fancy places, aka the western places, don’t even offer trashcans. You can simply flush without feeling guilty about it.

Last weekend took a toll on me. There was a Zach sighting! (Yes Aunt Susan I saw your boy, he is alive and well in Korea) Zach lives on a hill overlooking the ocean. His place is awesome. Like I said, Busan is known as the San Francisco of Korea, and the hills of that city overlooking the ocean have to remind you of San Francisco. We enjoyed the sun, the drinks, and the bloody beach battles. We played sports on the beach for hours. First we played football. And not to toot my horn or anything, but honk-honk I was Randy Moss out there. There were four touchdowns scored, and I caught every one of them. Because of my team’s dominance, we quickly switched to Ultimate Frisbee. Here is a funny quote from the Stuff White People Like website in regard to Ultimate Frisbee., “you will never see hippies get more upset than on an Ultimate Frisbee field. It can be jarring to see people who look like they should be playing acoustic guitars yelling at each other about whether or not Blake stepped out of bounds.” I’ve never played “Ultimate” because I’ve never really thrown a Frisbee before, and I certainly haven’t owned one. So I played this sport for dandies, and I’ve never ran so much in my life. The game is just one long transition break after another. With the sun bearing down on me like Tiger 165 yards out on the 18th hole in Augusta and enough beer in my belly to pass out an elephant, this game was exhausting. I take back every negative thing I ever said about Ultimate. I loved it. But everything on a sandy beach next to the ocean is fun. We also hit the batting cages, played soccer and catch.

So as I’m unsteadily typing this, with a sore, sun bruned body, I can’t really tell if I have SI or a hangover from an exhausting weekend. Here are the symptoms of SI: Body Aches, Fever, Headache, and Chills. Oh crap, check, check, check, and check. Excuse me; I’m going to go check myself into the nearest hospital.*

*I hate WebMD, probably because I’m a hypochondriac. If I type in “sore throat:” on their symptoms checker, I get 20 possible conditions. Here are some of the noteworthy conditions that I might have: Toxic shock syndrome, Dust Exposure, Strep Throat, Throat Cancer, Mumps, and of course Common Cold. Like Woody Allen, I see Throat Cancer and assume immediate death is assured, despite the fact that I’m 23.

Random Thing I Crave from Home Today- Kool Aide

As my time in Korea comes to a temporary end, I've been getting random cravings that I'm going to start to feature. To be honest with you, I haven't had Kool Aide for years, but for some reason I can't stop thinking about that surgary goodness.

Who said video games couldn't be deadly?

It isn't hard for me to imagine a Korean on a video game binge. These guys are devoted once they get in a groove.

I'm starting to get some traffic on the blog due to the "pros and cons of teaching in Korea" post. In fact, if you google that, my blog comes up first.

Update

Happy Mother's Day! Hope you got another kick out of that, Mom.

Meg just purchased our Thailand airplane tickets. It's official. I'm heading to exotic Southeast Asia. I don't even think I can explain how excited I am. The amount of fun you can have for mere dollars is limitless. With only 60(!!!) days left on our contract, I'm ready to travel! It feels like such an accomplishment to be wrapping up my contract. I'm still hearing the internal debate rage in my head over the merits of my accomplishment, but I'm excited and pleased. I have scratched 10 months off the wall and have two to go. You might be wondering if I want to partake on another Korean odyssey, and to that I reply, "Absolutely."

The stock market has had a nice bull run that might lead some to suspect the worst is over, but being the realist/pessimist I am, I highly doubt it. The thought of being jobless despite my laziness doesn't sound appealing. I might as well come back and live on the white sandy beaches of Busan aka The San Fransisco of Korea.*

* The San Fransisco of Korea surely means a left leaning city, right?. I don't think I've ever seen Zach commit to anything as fast as he committed to living in Busan, which brings up an interesting question, do the hippies and all their drugs interest Zach or is it the thriving gay community? I'm leaning towards the latter.**

**I doubt Zach reads this blog, but if he does I'll sure find out after that one.
Zach- What the hell was that all about?
me- What?
Zach- Nanny and Papa are going to think I'm a gay, drug addicted hippie.
me- You read my blog? I'm so happy...
Zach- Did you hear me? I've been called a lot of things in my life but never
me- a reader? Anyway, I was just joking. Wow, you really read my blog. I'm touched big guy, you do care.

I will miss Seoul though without a doubt. The public transportation system is ridiculously hassle free. There are national parks littered right on top of this city. The Adventure Korea tour group is headquartered here, and they have casinos.

I went to a casino once.... and it wasn't pretty. I lost it. I lost more than just money. I lost it. I got sucked into a vortex of fun and excitement that can only happen when dancing with fire. AND I was dancing... I love cliches about, well everything. Where is the cliche saying about not mixing free alcohol with gambling. One vice is dangerous enough, when you add a second one in there all hell breaks loose. At first, wow, it was sooo much fun, and as it turns out there is such a thing as too much fun. They actually have 1 dollar roulette. Do you know how fun it is to drink an 8 dollar drink for free* while just playing 1 dollar roulette? I mean, I was just betting black for hours and I was up a couple bucks. I had a 50 percent chance of wining each spin. Basically a coin flip. Unless red came up 30 more times than black, my losses were going to be minimal. Then, after about the _______ free White Russian, I lost it.

*I mean free too. There is no tipping in Korea and the service is breathtakingly fast. As a 6 year grizzled veteran of the service industry of America, I saw the benefits of tipping, yet I oppose tipping. America should adopt the no tipping policies found in other places of the world. Companies shouldn't subsidize wages on to the customers. Tipping is so awful. Did I give enough? Did I give too much? Do I tip here? Do I tip there? A great meal can be ruined by the decion making process of tipping once the check comes. Alright, back to our previous topic...

With no clocks, no worries, and an unshakable confidence, my buzz took me over to the 5 dollar blackjack table. I know that right now everybody thinks they know what is going to happen. And if you predicted me losing a lot of money swearing off gambling and alcohol for the rest of my life, then you would be correct. The only good thing to come from this disaster was this, a basic Chris authored cliche that I will now follow from here to eternity: Don't mix vices!! One is enough, and once you start juggling more you're screwed.

Oh Seoul, home of casinos and valuable life lessons, I will miss you.

My Average Morning

An average morning in Korea:

I wake up for the first time everyday between 8 and 10:30. For the first time is pretty self-explanatory, but I usually don't "get up" till about 11:30. My decision to "get up" is based on two things: my bladder and Everybody Loves Raymond. In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to rise out of bed due to a certain organ screaming at me with such animosity, but this isn't a perfect world. I know it's not a perfect world, because in a perfect world I would have a bed that is more than 4 inches off the ground and not as hard as asphalt, in a perfect world my apartment would be on the other side of the building, (the side not facing the busiest road in the neighborhood, the side of the building where the sunsets as opposed to rises) and in a perfect world I probably wouldn’t be living in an apartment anyway. Everybody Loves Raymond is a cute little show, by no means must see TV, yet this show is essential to getting a great start on the day. I just have one little clock in my room, which happens to be on the thermostat. I tell what time it is based on what TV show is on the television. Remember, I only have 8 channels, 7 of which are in Korean, so I’m forced to watch whatever the good folks at the Armed Forces Network (AFN) provide. Here’s their TV schedule:



From 8-9 is Sesame Street, which is for little kids, and I’m an adult, damn it.



From 9-10 is the view. I’m not going to even get started on the view, except to say that the rest of my day is ruined, if I have to spend one second viewing (pun intended) those ridiculous grown women griping. Notice how the title of the program doesn’t even deserve capitalization.



From 10-11 is Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil is a terrible program as well. Where on earth does he find these people? It’s still far too early in the morning for me to be mucking around with the screw ups of America.

From 11-11:30 is Judge Alex, which like Dr. Phil is a terrible program. The courtroom cases on this show cross over the border of ridiculous. If Judge Alex is on, I usually start to stir. Today, on the program, Judge Alex had two lesbian sisters suing one another for money owed. The sisters were loud and ignorant. They’re so ignorant it actually makes for some good unintentional comedy. The producers of that show specifically target the biggest hosiers in America.


Judge Alex Producer- "You’re telling me Jimmy, from Texas, hasn’t paid his rent in 4 months, but claims his landlord owes him money. Roscoe, the landlord, drinks with Jimmy all the time, and decribes Jimmy as the best drinking buddy in the world. Jimmy wants to be paid for all the beer that Roscoe’s drunk and chewing tobacco he’s spat. If that’s the case, tell them they got a date with the judge next Tuesday.”
Joel (“talent” scout)-“These two will make Jerry Springer’s guests look docile.”
Producer- “That’s why I pay you the big bucks”



From 11:30 to 12 is Everybody Loves Raymond. This is the Holy Grail of my Morning Television. If I get to this show, then I know it’ll be a good day. The idea is so simple too; they just exaggerate the normal relationship and make caricatures of the main characters. Raymond is an insensitive, only cares for himself, jerk of a male (with a good heart), while Debra is a nagging, attention starved female who needs to be loved all the time (with a good heart). Their only apparent bond is a mutual dislike for Raymond’s parents. The plot of every episode is as follows, Raymond screws up and angers Debra. To fix the problem, Raymond screws up again in a loveable way. That’s the show, and in comparison to the other choices you’ll know why I love it!



From 12-12:30 is Access Hollywood, which usually puts me in a horrible mood as well. If I wake up to this show I’m almost guaranteed a bad day. This show gets me moving quite quickly now. In fact, between 12 and 12:30 represents about 90% of my daily household production. Laundry, trash taking duties, and trips to the gym are often accomplished during this horrendous program.



I know waking up at 11:30 sounds late, but let’s not forget that I don’t go to sleep until 2 in the morning. This is my morning routine. Making Mom proud day after day.

China

Get ready for a humdinger of a post. Somewhere in between the countless hours I spend on baseball websites and lewrockwell,* I’ve managed to write this beast.



*I have actually been spending too much time on baseball sites. Baseball has become my biggest addiction. The root of this addiction began in Ireland. I was over there in the summer of 2007, and up to this point in my life football and basketball were by far my favorite sports. If Ken Griffey Jr. wasn’t playing, then I wasn’t going to be bothered watching baseball. The Sportscenter highlights were enough for me. But, in Ireland, during that rainy summer, baseball was my connection to Kansas City. You see, it was too early for football season and far too early for basketball to begin, so baseball was the logical choice. Ironically, my interest in America’s national pastime was brewed overseas. Needless to say, my passion for Royals baseball has only intensified over the last two years. My days are emptier when the Royals have an off day.



April 9, 2009-
Meg’s parents arrived in South Korea at 7 o’clock pm. I have assimilated to Korea so much that I am undaunted at the sight of towering skyscrapers, a hole in the ground where a toilet bowl should be, pastries with bean fillings, children in school uniforms walking home at night just finishing school…at 11:30 pm. But seeing Meg’s parents wide eyed at some of the astonishing random sights here was a great reminder. We took them up to our roof once we got off. The view from my apartment building is breathtaking. My building is 21 stories and quite a bit bigger than the buildings in my immediate area, and by immediate area I mean within five minutes walking distance. From this perch, you can appreciate the vast city that is Seoul. I would like to use the word skyline but cannot. Skyline, at least in my interpretation, refers to a line of buildings that usually define the downtown area of a city. Seoul doesn’t have a skyline, rather a skycluster or skygrid. All these towering buildings with their huge neon lights are nestled around the bottoms of various mountains in the city, creating a spectacular view. “It’s like Vegas” was Meg’s mother’s quote. We then took them to eat some spicy chicken deliciousness. After swearing to them that we weren’t about to eat chicken feet, they bravely tried everything that was thrown at them, even if it would “light up your world” as some of the Korean spicy dishes tend to do.



April 10th, 2009
The way I’m remembering these days is by what we ate for dinner. April 10th happened to be fried chicken. I’ve already told you that Korean’s know how to fry some chicken. KFC is probably the second most prevalent American fast food chain behind McDonald’s in Korea, and every residential area offers a plethora of beer and fried chicken restaurants. The place we chose is delicious and was a big hit with the folks. Within 30 hours of being in Korea, Meg’s mother had been given 3 presents from random Korean strangers. Upon arriving, some man gave her a hardboiled egg. She literally just got off the airport bus, and some young Korean man gave her a hardboiled egg. Koreans eat hardboiled eggs as a snack, in fact they are sold in every convenience store where we would normally see impulse buys like gum and mints.* Then the same young man must of thought, “Damn, those eggs leave your breath smelling like kimchi and garlic. Do they even eat hardboiled eggs in those crazy western countries? Well, I got to do something…” and he gave her a piece of gum to top it off. On April 10th, some random stranger in the restaurant approached our table and handed her a present. It was a bag full of Korean edible treats. I have no idea why she was given these presents, but I have to say it feels incredibly good to have gifts bestowed upon you like that. Very Rockstar.



*Who would ever think that a hardboiled egg would be an impulse buy? Here’s the thought process of a Korean man approaching cash register. “Chapstick! You know, it sure is windy out there today. My lips have been chapped for two months. I’ve been shedding so much skin from my bottom lip that a North Korean could survive on my skin flake protein for a week!” He begins to chuckle to himself, “Egg! Yes! Just what I need, some real protein. Of course I’ll need a pack of gum too.”



April 11th, 2009
This was a Saturday, and what a Saturday it was. A group of ten went to see a Korean baseball game, which just so happened to be my first Korean baseball game. The atmosphere of a Korean baseball game is completely different than what we are accustomed to back home. It is a sight to see, and I recommend it thoroughly! It’s so cool to see an American game with an Asian spin. For starters, one side of the stadium is for the home crowd and the other side is for those cheering the visitors. The PA system is weak. All the cheers are generated by the fans, and the fans are loudest on offense. The team we happened to be cheering for was the home team, so the opposing team was cheering first. 90% of the crowd has inflatable noise makers, and these noise makers beat in cadence with some huge drums during the cheers. It honestly sounds and feels like you are about to go to war with the opposing side. The atmosphere was intense. Everybody was in unison. It was awesome. I can’t wait to go check out another game. Mr. Baseball offers a great glimpse of baseball in Asia. After the game, we took the rents out for a Korean style bbq pork dinner with our group of ten.



April 12th, 2009
On Sunday, we headed out to a cherry blossom festival. Believe you me; there was a ton of cherry blossoms. A Ton! This festival was about 3 1/2 hours away from Seoul, and it included all the headaches of traveling in a foreign country. Here is my one step guide to traveling in a foreign country; plan for everything to go wrong and be patient when everything does go wrong.



April 13th, 2009
China! For the second time in my life, I had someone waiting at the airport holding a piece of paper with my name on it. The feelings of these small gestures are a combination of comfort and Rock Starness. Our guide was Doo, and he was amazing. Born and raised in Beijing, he had a passion for all things China. He was 27, full of life and jokes.* Our first day festivities included the Summer Palace, which was amazing. Hopefully, throughout my blog posts I have been able to convey the massive crowds experienced in Seoul. Well, take those massive crowds and times it by two, and then you are at the level of Beijing crowds. This is the peak season of tourism for China. China, home of 1.3 billion people, doesn’t need the rest of the world for tourism quotas; they can get by just fine with domestic tourists. The tourists were mainly domestic farmers who work on their own schedule. They were out in droves on this delightful Monday. As for the Summer Palace, it was great. The weather was perfect; in fact the weather was perfect for our entire China trip. The sights of this ancient palace, where Chinese Emperors would pass the time on hot summer nights, were grand. And some things were quite comical. Chinese children under the age of four have giant holes in their trousers. This blogger tackles this subject a lot better than I ever could, so please click the link to fully appreciate the baby bum phenomena in China. I asked Doo about these pants, and he gave me a lecture about how children don’t know how to go to the bathroom. He then said the pants were convenient. Agreed. In fact I’d like to get me a pair of them. Some 80 year old peasant, who happened to be missing 29 of his 32 teeth, wanted to get his picture taken with me. I don’t have any witnesses either, but I’m pretty sure he tried kissing me, and I’m pretty sure I would have let him had Meg not been around.



*Doo joke number 1- A happy couple was thinking about getting married. The woman was all for it, but the man had some reservations. After months of thinking, the man finally agreed to marry the woman under one condition: the man would have a secret box that the woman would promise never to open. The woman agreed instantly. After fifty years of marriage, the woman decided to open that secret box. In the box, she found 3 golf balls and 1,000 dollars. This seemingly random combination of items intrigued her. Her husband was sick and on his deathbed, so she asked him, “Honey, why do you have 3 golf balls in your secret box?” The dying old man was either sick of hiding the truth from his wife or too doped up on medicine to lie replied, “I put a golf ball in my secret box every time I’ve cheated on you.” The woman was not happy to be cheated on, but decided to show her dying husband compassion. “That’s okay honey. What is the 1,000 dollars for?” The man replied, “Every time I get a dozen golf balls, I sell them.”



April 14th, 2009
Day two of China started with a glorious western style breakfast from our four star hotel. For the third time in 9 months I was treated to such tasty treats like pancakes, bacon, sausage, waffles, scrambled eggs, and French toast. We then headed out to the Forbidden City. The Forbidden City simply dominates and shames every temple in Korea and for that matter probably the world. Doo said that the Japanese were very careful in their occupation of China. The Japanese believed that destroying Chinese culture would curse them. They believed this because the Japanese are descendants of China, and like the Chinese, they are very superstitious. In Korea, on the other hand, the Japanese pillaged, plundered, raped, and burned down everything. Anyway, the Forbidden City is where they filmed The Last Emperor and is right across from Tiananmen Square. I believe the normal adjectives apply to the Forbidden City: beautiful, amazing, astonishing, (of course, crowded) wonderful, and so on. I want to say that the campus of this city was 242 acres. The Emperor would live here with 10,000 guards, 72 serving women, and a bunch of neutered men acting as advisors. Tiananmen Square is the biggest square in the world. It’s right across from the “Chinese Whitehouse”. It’s also home to Mao Zedong. Mao is revered in China. They love him. I guess they forgot to write the chapter on Mao where he kills over 70 million Chinese with communist policies. We also saw a Chinese opera, which can only be described as torture. The same ungodly instruments are beat for no rhyme or reason. I rather listen to the racket of a third grade band practice than the chaos of a Chinese Opera. On top all that lunacy, was a man dressed up like a woman singing falsetto! It was horrible!



*Doo joke number 2- A couple just so happened to share the same birthday. They decided to get married on their birthday, which would bring them good luck. They got married on their 30th birthday. After 30 years of marriage, they decided to throw themselves a big Anniversary/Birthday party. Because they got married on their birthdays, they did receive good luck. A genie showed up at their party granting them each one wish. The woman wished for enough money to travel the world. Poof! She was handed a suitcase full of cash. The man wished for a wife 30 years younger. Poof! The man turned 90.



April 15th, 2009
On Wednesday, we saw the Ming Tombs. And the Great Wall. I thought about ending Day 3 of China right there, because it’d be funny. I write 200 plus words on the role baseball plays in my life and just merely mention the Great Wall. I do think I’m getting carpel tunnels in my wrist at this point, due to the length of this post, and I have probably lost every reader at this point. Anyway, the Ming Tombs were amazing. But the Great Wall is something to behold. The size of it is immense. If you stretched the wall out, then it would go from LA to Washington DC says Doo**. The Great Wall also involves a Great Walk. The grade on some stretches of the wall is steeper than Arnold Schwarzenegger’s bicep! We made it to the top and then got to haggle with some peasants for “I climbed The Great Wall” T-shirts. This was a unique battle, where we got them to come down like 450%! We ended up with three t-shirts, two sculptures, and a scarf. Meg’s dad ended up trying on his T-shirt, so for periods of time he was shirtless on The Great Wall. When one of the ladies asked him for money, he said that she should pay him for the view of his half-naked body. She then told him that he had mental problems. As with running with the bulls, climbing The Great Wall was on my life to do list. I have a pretty ambitious life to do list. I want to do all of things I have written down, but in the back of my head I know that most of them are long shots. It’s a great feeling to scratch out these items. It’s surreal, because they actually happened and even in my wildest dreams I didn’t anticipate them happening so quickly. But here I am, in Asia, living out dreams I thought of years ago!



*Doo joke number 3- (This took place right after a conversation on Disney) You know the mouse that walks on two legs? What’s his name? (We of course yelled Mickey) What about the duck? (We yelled Donald Duck, he then coolly stated…) All ducks walk on two feet.



**Doesn’t it seem like everything conveniently stretches from LA to DC or LA to New York. I’m beginning to question everything that happens to stretch that length.



April 16th, 2009
Our last day in China was all about haggling. We went to a market and bought loads of counterfeit goods. I got a big ol’ Samsonite hiking backpack and two high quality Ralph Lauren polo shirts for about 33 dollars. Once again you have to take the price they tell you and divide it by 4 to get a good starting point. It was honestly the most fun I’ve ever had shopping. I absolutely loved it! I got separated from our fearsome foursome because I was like a kid in a candy store. Sometimes negotiating on items I didn’t even want just for the sake of negotiating. It was a lot of fun.



China in summation: China was such an amazing blend of rich culture, friendly people, AMAZING FOOD, and great things to do. It was one of the best vacations of my life, in large part thanks to Doo. He was so kind and enthusiastic. He took all the stress related to traveling right off our hands. He took us to the best restaurants or told us where to find them. He told us the prices we should expect to pay. Meg’s parents weren’t quite too shabby themselves. They proved to be excellent companions. They also paid for the trip, and I’m so thankful for that. It was a great time; I’m sure it’ll be unforgettable as well.

I Got Crabs

And from the looks of it, I got a pretty bad case....

Meg and I headed down south for a snow crab festival in UlJin. We had a marvelous time. Spring has finally arrived and the weather cooperated beautifully. Cherry Blossoms, in full bloom, lined the festival streets. We ate freshly caught crab, handled the little beasts (see above), and released groupers into the sea (it is good luck to do so). We also are now part of the Guinness book of World Records. No Big Deal...

Being a part of a worldwide record smashing has never been on my life to do list, but it should have been! This gimbap stretched for miles, and I honestly can't tell you how long it was. Was it that big? Yes, it was, and the announcing was done in Korean so I missed the official total.

Now, I'm apart of history! I might just buy a copy of the 2009 Guinness Book of World Records. I only have a year to claim the throne as one of the many makers of the World's Longest Gimbap, because next year, at the Uljin Snow Crab Festival, they will make an even longer gimbap. Bittersweet I know...